Annyeong!

Hello!

I am popping my head back into the blog for a little talk since everyone is currently sleeping now. Hehe. I was listening to 'When I was a man' by Bruno Mars with my sister just now. We were talking about how 'romantic' it is... Then she mentioned I should play it to my ex, who I know may be reading this post... which will be awkward, but who cares right? It's just me now...

Anyway, continuing the story... I fake cried a little and told her not to mention about it like the overdramatic person I am. Hahaha! Actually, I was really feeling a bit sad. Lol. But, as usual, didn't wanna show it to my sister unless it's exploding out of my chest or something. :X

The song was roughly about this guy who actually lost his gf due to factors and wished that he could do what he couldn't previously. The most romantic part was of course, telling the guy she is with now to cherish her and do the things he couldn't. Obviously, it's a heart string tugging kind of song. When I listened to it, it was like oh gosh... I wish guys would hopefully think that way, until my sister pointed out that most of the time, it was girls. Hahaha. I agreed. Wistfully, in my heart, I wish it was different. :X

I think it takes great courage to do it! To wish that the other girl/guy to be happy even thou you rather be the one by his/her side? Man, I know this will sound stupid but, I did that before. I don't regret doing it because I know it was the best move I could do in that circumstances. However, being unprepared for the heartache while doing that, was simply crazy. I strongly advise you not to do it in your first love, or maybe not when you are still deeply in love with the person. It's the same thing as looking at your ex-bf having another gf and wishing him, "good luck!".

I still remember till now the slow pain I felt after saying it. And the craziness of knowing that you are heart broken to death, but still have to pretend everything is okay. Not to mention that, he took such a short time to get a gf, or was already dating the other girl while with me. For people who didn't experience it before, I sincerely hope you don't. For people who did, I am sorry he/she did it.

As someone who experienced it twice, trust me when I say this, it freaking hurts. It feels like a betrayal more than anything. Like what my friend said, the feeling was like being cheated on and the best part was there wasn't anything you can blame him on. When I was talking to her, I tried to help my ex make excuses or explain his situation. Then I realised, dammit, why am I helping him make excuses when I was hurt throughout the whole thing. I just told her to let it rest because he apologised and I accepted. I don't wanna dig this out all over again.

I don't know if you ever felt that way, but it's the ohgoddammit, it's happening to me all over again and I didn't realise it just like before. How gullible was I not to realise that my freaking bf had fallen in love with someone else? Was I dumb? Did he suddenly realise I wasn't pretty? Did I do anything wrong? Did I offend him? Truckloads of questions. And then, last of all, HURT. So much hurt that you can't accept it all at that moment. All the remnants of my self dignity smashed onto the wall again. Lol. Knowing that he was happy, didn't help obviously. But pretending to be happy, was the tough part.

Always distracting yourself with nonsense thoughts, refusing to indulge in any thoughts that would lead you down into the bottomless pit. DO NOT think of any good memories with him until you feel like your confident to face it. And then, realising that you need more time after facing it, cry again... Even at that moment, stubbornly trying to stay strong even when help was offered. Do you know why? Because I refuse to inconvenience myself on my friends when I know they have things going on.

In the end, making yourself crazy and finally, finding back the rhythm of being single again. Now, I am happy being single and want to be in this equilibrium state for a long time. I am not ready to go into any relationship because I don't wanna be hurt. I don't wanna date a guy who doesn't put my feelings as priority and 'forget' about it whenever he wants. I don't wanna be the more 'mature' dude in the equation to be concerned over the other party's feelings. I always thought that should be the first thing in any relationship. Apparently, I was wronggggg.
P.S. This was all in the past. It just gives me a reminder whenever I feel like getting into a relationship to snap out of it. Not that I don't want a relationship ever again. But, am I really ready? Is the other party suitable?