The Strawberry Experience.

Haha! I wrote like one chapter of a story that I was thinking about? But I really don't know how to continue it. It's just the random-est thought that I had while listening to a song when I was bathing? Lol.

Recently, I am not that down, Thank God. I always post or write when I feel like there is so much things that I am thinking about. When I feel lonely, and there wasn't much people around me that I can exactly tell my feelings to. Even if I were to say them out loud, I wonder if they could really understand what I am feeling. Not that I don't try, trust me, I am the most talkative person in my whole family. Haha! Now that I talk so much, I always feel happier than before.

 I haven't been able to explore how I really feel about my previous relationship thou. I feel fine now, happy too. But I can still feel the slight pain that is there in the background whenever I mention about my ex. It's not that I love him, I don't. I am sure about it after some time of initiating the break up. Nevertheless, there is always a sadness when I think about him. Maybe cause I think that it's a waste?(not the breaking up part, but the friendship part?)

 Skipping to another topic that inspired me to write that short chapter was the memories with him. I have been to West Mall with him before, long time ago... I don't think he will remember, but I remember every detail very clearly for some strange reason. It's not like it was a very memorable place, it was just a short trip we made there to walk and spend time together. I had the strangest feeling... let me give you an analogy so that you can imagine with me(I have a great imagination and I want you to join me). If you watched the series Unforgettable, that would be a great help in my seemingly crazy task of trying to make you, the reader, understand what I was feeling...

When I looked at the Mall, I saw both of us heading towards it cutting through the mini tentage they had for the sale of some branded apparels. That was the whole point of us going there actually, he wanted to buy a bag that his army friend said was good. We talking to each other, browsing through the goods, laughing at the random stuff that was there(mostly just me laughing). I was really smiling from ear to ear. I was really happy, every moment spent together was a time that I cherished. Now that we have broken up, I realise the more so. I really took every pocket of time we had together and imprinted it into my brain. I really cherished it! Especially, when he had lesser and lesser time for me. I documented every scene, every action into my really dusty and old brain.

I was surprised at myself, it was like a bittersweet kind of sadness? I never felt that before, even for my heartbreaking first relationship. Like eating a strawberry! At first, it was sweet, I was smiling to myself until the part where reality kicks in again and I knew this scene would never happen again to me. But I wasn't heartbreaking sad, it was like watching your child grow up and you know you had to let go, because nothing would come out of it even if you clutched him tight. It would be miserable for both. I walked into the mall, passed the Swensen where we had our nice lunch. Passed the faceshop where we just leisurely walked and looked at the masks. Haha! Then passed the library where I still remember we were tired from the walking and couldn't afford the movie tickets cause we were saving up. And, i sat on the seat that we sat cause we were tired from all the walking. Going further up, I saw the minimart that we went. He loved going to the minimarts that sells cheap stuff and I didn't mind at all. Walking through the small congested shelves of goods made me think of the silly things that I did while engaging him in our conversations. It was like looking at a movie playing right before my eyes, I was one of the lead cast. Yet, I was just the third party looking at myself, having lots of fun. And, feeling a sense of nostalgia...

 It wasn't bad. I was having fun. A completely different feeling that I felt from my past relationship. I didn't feel hurt, that is the most important thing. I have learnt how to cope. :D Although, I still can't say I am strong enough to meet him face to face. I think I would do just fine in the future if I were really to see him again. I can still sense the hurt that was inflicted on me, that faint throbbing, the familiar sense when I broke up for the first time. I have gained experience on how to deal with it. I am not ready to meet him yet. I can feel it in my bones. I need more time. Time helped me the first time and it will help me the second time.

 I don't forget that easily, sentimental? Hmm, I am not sure... haha! Easily hurt, definitely yes. Lol.

And oh! The bitterness I felt from the strawberry experience was, this phrase, "I wonder.." I wonder if he remembers what we did... I wonder if he was happy like I was... I wonder if he cherished the moments we had... And, my mind would whisper, No. He definitely didn't. I know him well enough to say that. That is where the bitterness comes in strongly. I decided to name this long entry as the 'Strawberry experience'! Since I have used the strawberry analogy so many times. haha! Wah, I am proud of myself. Hee. Been a long time since I expressed my feelings out like that. I thought I have forgotten how to write.