me.

I don't know whether I am getting better. But I know I am definitely better than last time when i first received the news everyone! lol. Are your happy? After all the grueling nonsense. Haiz~ =DD happy right?

But the problem is, I don't know whether I am really happy. I know I still love u-know-who. I know it, there's no point avoiding it. And I can still feel it. The foolish smile on my face when I know he's okay and he's happy. The warming of my heart when he is still healthy and having fun. I still feel that as clear as the day. Although I don't really keep in contact with him now. I still do feel. I don't know why, don't ask me why. haiz.

Yes, I am healing. I am happy. But it seems that I managed to convince myself that I am forever happy. Argh. I don't know, Do you understand me? I don't know how to express this well. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad regarding that manner. It's like I am numb. U know, like I am a robot? I manage to completely deceive myself. I can't cry! I am afraid, why can't I cry?

ARGH.

ARGH.

I realised that on teacher's day when i cried when our classmates asked. I thought I was happy! I really thought that and everything was fine. Except for my studies. EVERYTHING WAS FINE!! I thought I got over it. Then I cried. And I was shocked. They were shocked. And I just quickly wiped my tears, hoping he won't see it. And smiled. just like that.

What's happening?? I am lost.