tHiS is mY lIfE!?!

Writing

2011-12-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

Suddenly, I feel like writing again.

When your alone and reflecting on the incidents that happen to you, it happens. I feel like writing a story, a meaningful one. There are too much things on my mind, writing seems to ease the ache, expressing your thoughts using words is always the best way for me (so does playing solitaire for hours).

Counting on people.

This seems to be true when I am younger, but as I grow older, it seems to get harder. After experiencing more betrayals, it is difficult. But, I still have to learn to do it again.

Relationships.

They are very fragile things. I use to think that, they are strong bonds that will strengthen with time. However, it seems that people distance, people change. Those who are your friends now, may not still be after some time.

Boy-Girl Relationships.

I realise no matter how much you think you know the other party, it is limited to only what he/she allows you to see. When someone closes up on you, there is nothing that you can do. Even thou you TRY to have patience and be understanding, things may not end up like how you wanted it to be. There are of course cases that the other party opens up, I am not dooming it. After experiencing it, you get tired. Just tired.

Suddenly the Nigahiga song comes to mind, "Nice Guys come last". I think it happens to me too. They take advantage and take me for granted. But, I can't be anyone else but me which is sad. I want to be someone else.

On a good note, I realise it early, not wasting more time on wasted relationships. I would rather spend my whole life alone, without friends or a boyfriend/husband, than get hurt repeatedly.

Songs.

They are essentially the most important tool needed to heal when hurt. Listening to a song that expresses your feelings, releases all the pent up emotions. It heals. It makes you cry. It makes you feel better after that.

The sad thing is songs now, have no meaning to it.

Change.

2011-12-20T11:44:00.000-08:00

Somehow this seems to be one of the famous topics to talk about with your friends or really anybody. The fact is i don't like change but, its really inevitable in life. What can i say.
Sometimes, things doesn't chamge the way you want it to be. Sometimes things that seem familiar suddenly feel foreign again. So much insecurities. How can i overcome this feeling? Will there be anyone to help me, no.
I have truely understood what is being alone all about. Dealing with situations by yourself is tough. It's never easy but i will gain knowledge. Some how when other people change and you don't, you'll seem not as strong as them in their eyes. Truth is i dont think so. i may not seem mature, but that is just the outer cover that you see. i may think simple, not complex like other people. I may not have changed in your eyes. But have you thought, sometimes, change is not such a good thing too.

Life is sad

2010-07-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

Haiz. I don't know why, But I have been feeling depressed lately for some reason. I feel not like myself. I don't feel cheerful, lols. I feel weird. Dang, I am weird.

Hello!

2010-02-17T07:01:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I wrote a post I think. Lols.

Let me do a short one then. Now, I am currently working at NUH, as a TEMPORARY Pharmacy Assistant. My contract ends at 31 July which totally sucks.

Went to Malacca for my CNY, boring trip. Nothing to do. Entertain myself by listening to music, rotting most of the time. And I level-ed up in Audition! Whee, level 24.

I realised that I am quite sensitive when people starts to get irritated by my laughter. Especially friends, =S. I kind of get easily hurt by people telling me to laugh so loud. After people tell me that, I tend not to laugh at all. It sucks having a loud laughter when I am a girl.

A levels coming out soon. Scared like crap, but I refuse to think about it until it comes and slap me in the face. I am not confident of my results, but I know that God will bless me. Even if I have bad results, he will make a way, when it seems like there is none. I must have faith, and work hard. =D

To my dear friends, I wanna go out with your, but it seems like working is really a headache. It cuts down almost all of my free time except Sunday. And I have church on that day too. Saturday, I am free too. But after 2pm, from NUH. I love you, guys. Stay with me always k? =D

Time to sleep now, nighty night.

OH MY GAWD!

2009-11-29T03:44:00.003-08:00

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. I can totally say OMG for the whole day! =X Supposed to be studying right now... But you know what? I just checked out the latest Korean news, and guess what? BIG BANG's ALBUM is totally out... omo omo omo omo~~~~ It's a Japanese mini album, Let Me Hear Your Voice. omo omo omo~~~ I like it~ =X aha. Gonna have to listen to it the whole day I tell you. Gosh, so excited.

Thanks to some Basket who post Idiot porn ads, I decided to repost this.
Oh ya, idiot? You wanna play with me eh? LOLS. Try posting a comment now. PFFT.

Hey there.

2009-08-07T06:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a long long time since I went onto Blogger. Lols. And tried to blog. To summarise my life up till now, It's been pretty screwed up and I realised I regretted alot of my actions too. And yada, yada...

Anyway, I came to blog only shortly. Just to speak out my worse worries in my mind now. My studies, I have been feeling pressure from all over. Especially from myself and my parents. Haiz~ I am always afraid and I always feel that I am not good enough. It's really tough, I really hope I can pull through it. If I don't, I guess I have to go to work? Or maybe re-take it. Man, I am really afraid.

On a positive note, National Day is coming! Just 2 more days. Whoo hoo, long weekend. Finally. Lols. I have been waiting for this weekend, to rest myself and do some revision. Dang, I cant slack. Cant afford to. And, my birthday is coming. Sadly, I don't wish for it to come. Hmm, ask me why? Cause, I don't want to be take note of that day and 'remember' it. You see, when no one celebrates it for you, I will feel kind of sad. It's a special day right? Your birthday, something that happens only once a year. I don't want to feel sad, so I don't want it to come. LOLS. I think simple. =D Sometimes, I really do hate my birthday. Argh.

Sometimes, I do think whether my existence is good or not. But I guess, one shouldn't ponder about such questions too often. If not, I think I will not be here anymore, typing on my sis lappy. LOLS. And, I have to say this! Why does all the people around me be smarter than me? And they all have to SAY, I think I'll jump lor. =.=
Come on, I think I am facing more pressure than anyone else. And I am afraid I really cannot take it. LOLS. I will really jump. Like real, I don't have the guts to do it. I am scared of pain!!

I wish and pray to God, please give me the strength to endure the whole journey. And bless me with your strength when I am weak. I will be eternally grateful for all the things God has done for me. =D He is the one that is always there for me. Amen. =D

=)

2009-04-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

HEY! Yo everybody~ I today very very very sad. Keep crying non-stop. LOL. Cant stop somemore. So so so ps.... =S

I dedicate this post to my hubby(XY)!! =D Thanks XY for consoling me. =D It worked, lol. Improving le worr~~~

You kind of provide your support in a quiet manner which 'touched' me and I could feel it. =D thanks darling~ You rock! =X lol~

Dont let ppl blow into your ear okay!! I will box them for you! I love you lots~

today.

2008-12-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

I am very happy now! =DDDD

I really feel like I am in love again. LOL. The happiness lah. Today he called me. Although it's at night. He kind of told me what is troubling him. *laughs* And I felt happy, he approached me. Like a small little kid. =.='''

LOL! But the sad thing is, I am not supposed to be happy. I mean like, haiz. Already no hope le. Why still happy over this kind of small thing? Correct or not? You think he won't approach other people meh?

Me: But at least he approach me leh! And tell me! =DDD
Other Me: You want to get hurt again arh? stupid girl. He already say le! He call you is cause he headache. You only get used by him again lah! You damn dumb leh. Can you just wake up from those nonsense? He just needs a person to talk to. Doesn't mean it has to be you.
Me: =( You just crushed all my hopes again. You very mean. He bothered to call me leh, finally! Then you have to be like that. =( I very long never talk to him le leh. Call him, scared disturb him. Sms him, scared distract him. So many things.
Other Me: I have to! crush all your hopes! If not, what am i for? You didn't realise meh? He everytime call you is just for your help de. He call you only ask your help! You think he still like you arh? PUH-LEASE! You think you what? Princess? Rich? Royalty? please lah! Can you please look in the mirror? You are just plain old Gladys. You don't have anything that he will like lah. please lor. Now you still think he will call you back arh? AHA! You dream lor!
Me: But he told me, he will call me back. ='( We talking about gundam until so fun. Then he suddenly say he will call me back later. Although I a bit sad, but he say he will de.
Other Me: =.=''' please lor. You really think he will arh? So many things promised also not done. You think this time he 'SAY' only, will do meh? haiz.

Don't do this to yourself again can? LOL.

Sorry. Really Sorry. :'(

This was occurring in my head. And after that I was really depressed.

me.

2008-12-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know whether I am getting better. But I know I am definitely better than last time when i first received the news everyone! lol. Are your happy? After all the grueling nonsense. Haiz~ =DD happy right?

But the problem is, I don't know whether I am really happy. I know I still love u-know-who. I know it, there's no point avoiding it. And I can still feel it. The foolish smile on my face when I know he's okay and he's happy. The warming of my heart when he is still healthy and having fun. I still feel that as clear as the day. Although I don't really keep in contact with him now. I still do feel. I don't know why, don't ask me why. haiz.

Yes, I am healing. I am happy. But it seems that I managed to convince myself that I am forever happy. Argh. I don't know, Do you understand me? I don't know how to express this well. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad regarding that manner. It's like I am numb. U know, like I am a robot? I manage to completely deceive myself. I can't cry! I am afraid, why can't I cry?

ARGH.

ARGH.

I realised that on teacher's day when i cried when our classmates asked. I thought I was happy! I really thought that and everything was fine. Except for my studies. EVERYTHING WAS FINE!! I thought I got over it. Then I cried. And I was shocked. They were shocked. And I just quickly wiped my tears, hoping he won't see it. And smiled. just like that.

What's happening?? I am lost.

lonely.

2008-12-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like crying at night. And today I did. I succeeded. I was thinking and I cried. It was not much. The hurt wasn't strong anymore. It has ebbed to a itsy bitsy pain in the corner. Those untouched memories I couldn't forget just yet.

Is that supposed to be happy news? I don't think so. I want to cry out loud. really loud. From the bottom of my heart. Where is it? Please come back... Free me from this disease. I am cold. Too cold.

A hug? Anyone? Please help me.

Birthday.

2008-08-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

My birthday passed long time ago. It was one of my saddest birthday in my whole life. LOL. exaggerating? think again. On the starting of my birthday, was scratching myself cause of a mosquito bite. I realised that "hey, why is there some sort watery substance on my fingers?". O.o BLOOD. a-ha-ha. One great way to wish yrself happy birthday. And i sang Happy Birthday to myself as an encouragement. Yes, I know, its pathetic.

Well, so as not to start off with a depressing note, des sms-ed me a happy birthday. ^^ happy. At least one person remembered and wished me happy birthday at exactly 12am. lol. That is extreme sweet of him, at least, i know someone cared. He celebrated my birthday before that, was really fun. He treated me a lot of yummy stuff, was super duper delicious and nice. ^^v YaY for des.

Then comes the horrible birthday. I went to school, studied like usual during lesson. I got a chemistry test on my birthday till 7pm. It was really 'fun' studying hard before my birthday. Well, my choir friend(dear) also wished me happy birthday. lol, i also very happy. My other choir friend also saw me and remembered to wish me too.(I think cause her birthday is one day after mine) lol. Was the starting of a nice day right? sounds nice.

My classmates(can be considered good friends) did not wish me happy birthday. Well, even my lao gong didn't until I told her I was very sad on my birthday. Haiz, and I had to tell her then she wished me. lol. Then i already quite sad. Cause among the mushies, only steph wished me happy birthday. The rest didn't. but well, I guess that was the hardest blow. lol.

Okay, I think, the worse was the part where the mushies go out together without me on my birthday. Yes, I know, I only have to blame for my test on that day. But yeah, I was quite sad I can't go out with them to enjoy the day I was born. So I eventually ended my birthday with a whole lot of crying and emo-ing. Lol. fun? I know, I can predict that next year would be even more so. ^^

Very nice picture.

2008-07-23T05:25:00.000-07:00

This picture is taken by me. ^^. I was in the car while I took it. It was unexpectedly good man. hehex. ^^. Very artistic. I like it. ^^v
It was taken on a Sunday while I was on my way to church.. Whoo hoo. The more I look at it, the more I like it. ha.ha.
By: Gtxl

Phew.

2008-07-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, I am feeling so down. I even talk to myself when I am doing my homework now. And I do it sooooo SLoWlYY.... Geral, man, I didnt mean to make you feel left out okay?
I wasn't very considerate in that, I agree. But I do want you to go out with us k? Your my best friend along with all my mushies k. Haiz, I have been emo-ing for so long. Now, my exams add the stupid stress. Yes, that day I saw geral. And I was apparently thinking of my exam results and whether I will get promoted. I actually got scolded real bad, I was blaming myself for the bad results and I got another stab by my mum. And I couldn't stop crying after she scolded me(she was exceptionally fierce to me for the first time in my life). I think it was due to me, keep watching movies and going out often. Haiz. I am pressuring myself a lot. I need to.
I feel really not like myself. Unlike my secondary school days, I feel the laughter produced are not real anymore. I dont feel happy at all, with my life, with my relationships around. I really feel that way. I need tuition, I need study, I need friends.
I was talking about meeting geral right? I actually thought of that time, she wanted to confront des and we had a mini-quarrel. Then I cried, yes, I cried again. Cause I kind of wanted to just cry and hug her like that time and spill everything out. LOL. But I obviously cant. Firstly, I was near the Admiralty MRT. Secondly, There was a hell lot of people there watching me(cause a few tears kind of popped out of my eye sockets). Thirdly, I didn't want to let my friend worry about me. Fourthly, I promised myself I would be strong. LOL. So much things.
It was the first time in my whole life, I actually got scolded that badly by my mum. I actually felt traumatized after that. LOL. I hid behind the mattress and cried(my cousin couldn't find me at first). LOL. My mum was fierce. really fierce. I was sad. really sad. haha.
Yesterday, I had bouts of emo syndrome again. Apparently, I thought of u-know-who. I know that we can never be "close", even though, I try really hard sometimes. *sad smile* I also felt slight self-pity towards myself.(shouldn't go into detail, if not it will occupy half of this) U know, as usual. I was also extremely tired. I had a headache cause of lack of sleep(have it now also) and I was worried of leaving him alone to emo. So I kind of 'forced' myself to stay awake and was hitting my head vigorously so that it wouldn't hurt so much. Lol. ^^
Today, I played volleyball. I actually felt that the second move we learned today was interesting. First time in my whole life. The teacher actually said that I had potential. LOL. Cause we had to hold the ball up with only our finger pads, couldn't let it touch my palms. ^^. I was happy. lol. I need to really work hard!! I wanted to call one of my friends and 'cry on their shoulders'... lol. Then i stopped myself, I need to be strong. haiz. okay. Need to go off now. HOMEWORK IS AWAITING FOR ME!!!

My thoughts

2008-07-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hmm... Hi people, Everyone, I am doing fine... If any one of my buddies are reading this, I just want to tell all of you, I am fine. :)
I don't want anyone of your to worry about me okay? I am actually more than fine. Lol, I am very happy... If I got anything, I will solve it myself. Don't worry about me,k? :)
I have been a 'strong' girl all the while right? This kind of thing, can't push me down. ^^. I hope I can be stronger. You can leave everything to me, your got any problems can come and find me too. I don't mind.
I do not want anyone to worry about me. ^^ Have I emphasized my point well enough?? :) I really do not want anyone to be worried about me, that's why. Some people express their concern for each other discreetly. Some people express their concern for other people openly. For me, I like to express my concern openly, for the person to know. I just want to tell you, I am concerned about you. But it seems like, We are drifting more and more apart. You do not want to burden me, so do I. Lol, we are such weird creatures, eh?
Hopefully, I still can be considered a 'good' friend. I do wish that I can still be there for you. But you do not really seem that you want me there thou. Although you got problems, you can't approach me. So now, I want to tell you, I'm alright. I can deal with this myself, even if I die on my way, IT'S ALRIGHT! Lol... I'm really serious.
1. Guard what goes into your heart
2. Guard what you speak.
2 points I learned during the Prison Break sermon that impacted me. Today, It's about Greed and discontent. I feel like sometimes I do feel like that, the comparison between me and someone else. I am guilty. For that, I am sorry to God.
People, treasure what you have, before it's gone. ^^

ha.ha.

2008-07-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

As long as he continues smiling, his foolish grin and happy lopsided smile. I will be satisfied. Even if I'm in pain or I'm hurt, as long as you're smiling in the end. I will bear with it, I will pull through someday. hopefully, slowly but gradually. :) Will you be genuinely happy? Do you still need me there? I want to be by your side. I want to be the one to be there for you. But you dont seem to care whether I am there or not. Your nonchalant answers tell me exactly that. What am I supposed to think about that? I guess, It's nothing. I am happy you say you care for me as a friend. Really happy. But will you realize I am not there if I disappear from you? I really wonder sometimes, Lol. :)
If I were to die, I wonder who would really cry for me in this Earth. Really missing my presence that will never be there again. Or perhaps someone, watching my back? Hmm, I think that wont happen. Someone who really loves me? I dont think so. I really wish to have someone like that, but I dont have the X factor for people to love me. I can accept that. Although, yes, it may be saddening but I am sure I'll get over it. :)
Short post, I'm feeling really weird. Lol.

tired.

2008-07-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

I feel tired. I really dont know what to do. There's so many things that I'm so tired of. Can the world be crashing down on me or something? I feel like breaking down and cry but its no use. So here I am. It's been a long time since I'm typing here.
In his eyes, Im really nothing. I feel like im a burden to people around me. It's just so weird. I have been depending on my friends, family. It's time for me to take it all back. And not make people worry. Everything, back to myself. Like last time, thats what I have been doing for like most of my life, just because im dumped and cant really let go of it. Thats why I relied on them. I feel like it's time to take it all back. Retreat to my own zone.
Yes, it may be hard at first, i may be unused to it. but I've got no choice. In order to not let people worry about you, is to not let anyone know. A smile, a wave. And everything is like before again.
For him, I dont know anymore. I dont want to avoid this problem. But I cant solve it straight away. So I choose to ignore. I am alone in this. No one can help me, No one can heal me. It's all up to me.
Nowadays, I am beginning to feel nothing. Maybe it's because my sis is away, I dont really need to talk to my parents and friends. I beginning to feel it coming back to me. So I choose not to feel anything. What I do also have no use, what's the point man? Lol. I realized that I like to use lol, to cover up my sadness sometimes. Lol. Hmm, I am a really weird person. I was thinking if I laughed maybe I wouldn't be so sad. Lol, now it sounds kind of foolish when I read. haha. :)
It's alright. For this problem, I am alone. No one can let me forget my love. and no one can make it fade away right away. I got to face it. Although loving him is painful sometimes, I would try my best to stand strong I guess. Lol. I have no choice in this anyway. I feel like I dont really exist in his world, only when he needs help then he would find me. But actually, I feel fine about it, I would be happy helping him. But it's the after that, when I am not really needed, then I feel a bit hurt lah. It's just that I am quite sensitive. Lol.
I dont want him to sound like a bad guy, and he is not a complete ass or stuff. He is a really nice guy. just that I got this weird face and stuff, that isnt appealing to him. Lol. Dont worry, he is very nice to other people(includes boys and girls). He is helpful and tries his best to make people happy. Yes, he does that to me to. For that, I thank him. ^^ For a lot things, I also must thank him. Lol. He also did a lot for me in our relationship previously. I dont want your to make him guilty over my hurt and stuff. It's not his fault. It's my problem. Lol. I got a problem with myself. I know he doesn't love me already, he has his ex-gf to think about. Lol, where got time for me? He will just feel guilty and stuff. He tried to help me forget him too. But I think his method wasn't very good and it kind of back-fired. And make me feel a bit sad. But it's alright. His intention wasn't bad. He was trying to help. I dont want him to always feel guilty over me. If not, all he remembers about me is guilt, guilt and more guilt. And it would make me feel even worse, cause I only want him to be happy. Nothing more. ^^v Remain happy guys. Just one sad person is more than enough. ^^

Hihiz...

2008-06-08T02:37:00.000-07:00

I have decided on something. Yes, I decided. All I need now is determination and strength to pull myself through. People, your no need to worry about me. I have to do this myself. Only I can help myself. I have to force myself. It's decided.

I cant take it anymore.

2008-06-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

就让我彻底的伤,再彻底的醒过来. F.I.R song, in this song there is this lyrics. Something I remind myself time and time again. Please, dont let me go back into that miserable hole. I don't even feel like saying what he said to me. It's just too much. I know, he's friend died. I just dont know. Some kind of game? Why do you always say things half-way? He said I shouldn't know so much things cause it is good for me and he should know all the things. What kind of screwed up logic is that? Then he said he shouldn't have talked to me about this story, I said, then you must well say, you shouldn't have known me at all? He said yeah. That's it. The End. I'm serious, it's more than enough already. I cant take it anymore. I tried to help, damn it. I even still love him, that's why I wanna help. And. I dont know. I feel like crying. It doesn't feel good. :'(
Well, to him, I am so sorry you have known me. I am so sorry that you want to know me, if you have told me earlier, I would have avoided you like the plague. I am so very sorry. ha.ha. so sorry.
Well, I know that I am not cute, not photogenic (like what my cousin always emphasize on). It's true, It's obvious. I am neither pretty nor gorgeous. I make disgusting and weird sounds when I laugh(don't know whether you consider it laughter). My face looks really round when I smile, One thing no one likes. For all my life, only one guy confess to me before and he wanted to forget about it so badly, he lost his memories.(I think this is kind of the saddest thing.lol.) I am pitying myself now, no wonder guys wont like me.ha.ha. I behave and sit like a guy, haiz~(trying to kick that habit) not feminine at all, How you want some guy to like me? Unless they want to be gay or something? lol, actually, I dont really find it funny, just trying to lessen the blow. It actually hurts. No wonder the guy I loved so much left me behind without considering much. It's quite upsetting to know the truth thou,I am always lacking and just not enough. His first love and last, he will always remember. Who wont? Who cares about in betweens? I understand why he left me now. Too clearly actually. too clearly.

Ello people.

2008-05-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

I feel really weird right now. I have thousand and one homework left to do. And yet, here I am blogging away. I met with my friends on last Sunday, we watched movies and yeah... Nice movies... But I hoped that we could talk you know. Talk about our lives, too bad sk not there with us.. =( Des sent me this song,"最近" It's a really moving song, you know. Makes me think of well, you know. I have loved and lost, tried my very best. I still wanted to be friends with him. He is different form before, he has lost his memories. At least the memories that he wants to forget, like selective memory loss like what steph has said. It's just unfair, why does he get to forget? And I can't forget? I am so very tired to deal with this problem already, It's like wanting to just give up and tell him to go and do what he wants? I don't really care anymore? You can rot and die for all I care. How much energy, time and mental thinking I have used, just to think about his problems and the problems he have given me. Haiz~
How much more do you want from me, boy? I wanted to just give up on you and your senseless problems but I had to care. The reason being, I am your friend. I promise myself that I will be beside my friends no matter what happens in the future. That's why, I am still beside you right at this moment. If there's a problem, approach me, I can help. How many times I have cried for you? It's extremely tiring especially when the person do not care about you. I think, a simple "Sorry" or a simple "Thank You", would have greatly satisfied me. But nope, I don't hear anything like that, He takes me for granted, that is definitely true. I wonder if one day, when I am gone, would he even realise I am actually gone? This is the thing perhaps that bothers me. In my opinion, I don't think he would notice the difference. Maybe a slight disruption from his daily life, but other then that. I don't think he will stop and think of the things I have done for him. *sighs* Well, I have done my very best right? I always tried to be the best gf and the best friend for him. It doesn't really matter to him, It's just taken for granted I guess. One day, when I look back, I would only remember him as the person who is a guy I loved deeply, a unrequited love. I think this is the first guy in my whole life I have loved the most and full heartedly. Of course, It's my first love. I think, I should have chosen a better first love, don't you think so?
That time, I was talking to steph late at night. I became emo. And cried badly again. It's because of that particular person again. I don't know how to approach him anymore. It's as if he is a stranger once again. Not the des I once knew. I couldn't communicate with him that well as before. I have lost a good friend, that was the feeling. I also felt really tired of everything. School, choir(CCA), homework, after everything. There is an additional stress, Friend. Well, him okay. lol.
Hmm, it's time for my homework, thou it's super late at night now. It's going to reach 12pm alrdy. I am so TIRED! of everything. Good night to those good folks around~!

Dear friends.

2008-05-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

I feel pain again. I read his blog. Yup. I cried. once again. Like what I felt towards him, but he doesn't love me anymore. He loves another girl, ha-ha. It's kind of painful, like this dull ache in yr chest that never goes away. You wanna read his blog? He really really loves this other girl you know. He loves her so much more than me, of course. He doesn't love me. Haizzz~ www.watashiwadesmonddesu.blogspot.com

Go ahead, take a look sympathize with him and what do u think I will feel? I still love him u know. I can't think of loving him anymore. it's no use.

The quiz

2008-04-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.

You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

WAHAHAHAha... N-I-C-E.. one... I think so too...

Have you ever - Brandy

2008-04-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

[ Chorus ]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words
to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[ Chorus ]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to
look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one
you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't
give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the
day when they will care
[ Chorus ]

What do I got to do to get you in my arms baby
What do I got to say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[ Chorus ]

Ha.ha. Nice ehh? The part where I dreamed about IT my whole life is WRONG. I didn't, It's the truth. But, damn. If I were to dream about IT my whole life, Won't it be worse? LOL. I thank GOD, I didn't. Another good song, to dedicate.

Regarding the "Tag, Your It."

2008-04-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

Geral, I now can't think of that yet.. I will postpone it till next post.. ^^

Now, I am confused... REally confused... I am in love? I am not? It still matters to me, you know... It matters alot to me... Whenever something is wrong with IT, I am worried... I cried, that time... When IT told me that IT was going through some problems and It was not willing to tell me.. I can see that IT doesn't even care of my feelings.. LOL. ha-ha. Haiz~ I just cried you know, cause no matter what IT do to me.. It's alright. But to IT's friends?? HOW DARE IT?!?! THAT THING, doesn't learn! I have learned, how to cherish, how to love... My friends, they are my precious... HOW COULD IT JUST SAY TO ABANDON THEM?!? I just broke down. IT said that if I were to ask IT about the question on a rather sensitive issue.. IT will, ignore me. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. Ha-ha. Man, deep inside I was hurting again. I admit it, okay. The pain haunted me again. Shyt, It sucks okay. I thought not ThaT again, even if I couldn't be a good gf, I good friend is all I can do to help IT right?

BUT NO! I'm WRONG! IT doesn't want anyone's help.. IT even wanted to ignore me for asking a question, "Are you ok?*regarding a sensitive issue*".. IT wanted to break our friendship, I thought our friendship was worth more. I'm wrong again. Once again. When will that pain subside and STOPP, once and for all... I don't think I can take it again. IT doesn't care whether I'm crying, laughing or whatsoever.. As long as, I can help I will. I'm foolish, I'm dumb. I want to cry now. But I don't have any energy. I thought of my friends, I promised to be strong. I thought of IT's friends, I feel sad, what a ungrateful IT. They were beside IT always, and that's what IT do to them? Like what IT did to me? I already forgived and forgot about what IT did to me. But IT's friends?

I feel anguish, my friends were beside me. all along. i love them like anything. and IT? IT didn't, did my talking to him ever go into IT's brain?? DID IT? I think not. I can't help anymore. I am of no use. IT won't listen, I can't stop IT from being the next D.S.. ha-ha. In the end, that's all I get for my love right? A spit in the face, a slap on my cheek. And now, I'm itching for another slap. LOL. Haven't I had enough? F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the 7 alphabets that matters so much for me, but so little for someone else. L.O.V.E, the 4 alphabets that matters even more for me last time, but even little for someone else. Then what can I expect from IT? Nothing. IT doesn't want me to be IT's friend or IT's important person. Ha-ha. That's why I gave up. Can't IT see that? That's why. IT said if IT were me, IT would continue pursuing the guy. But what's the point? TELL ME? I'm the only one trying to clap. What's the BLOODY point? TELL ME! My effort will be thrown back at me. I don't know anymore. That's why. Ha. That's why.

Why am I so foolish? I just need time, more time... Why am I talking of IT, and smiling like an idiot? IT doesn't even want to be related to me. IT said, stop asking, if not I won't want to be friends with you.(indirectly, but yeah. true.) IT doesn't want to be friends with anyone else. H.U.R.T, the same 4 alphabets I felt, every single day, but means so little for someone else. ha-ha. Now, I'm gonna be sick again. Established my "night club" meetings since this monday. From, 12pm to 1am. Damn.

I am listening to my previous songs again. Listen to it, depicts my feelings. Ha-HA.

How could you?

2008-04-02T03:43:00.000-07:00

April Fool's Day just ended. That was a memorable day. Ha-ha. At least in the past, for now, it only proves to be a sad memory. I looked back, saw the many good times together with him. I will always keep it in my heart, never to lose it. It will bring tears to my eyes, rolling down as my crushed dreams. I have given up hope, I am not willing to indulge in the feeling 'LOVE' anymore. It doesn't exist, it's an attempt to break your heart, make you feel depressed. Last year, I was happy, like chirping bird in the morning sky. Now, I am not. U ask me why?
I answer, love lasts not forever, for a short while. At least, in my case. It's like that. *laughs sadly* I have loved full heartedly, but it's not cherished. It only shows that you shouldn't trust the guy with your heart. Get it girls? In a relationship, someone sacrifice, someone receive. It takes two hands to clap, I'm frantically trying to clap on one side. The other side refuses to try. Thus, it ended. "Feelings" are weird creatures, they come quickly, and goes quickly. I can say that he was taking it seriously, not in my opinion. =) There goes everything I put in. This shows that if you were to choose a boyfriend, please choose one, who takes you seriously. AND he loves you so much, he can't live without you. He would think of you first and help you. Please don't love the guy so much(like what stupid me did) and devote everything you have to the guy. He would take it for granted and break it! Lol. Not that he is a bad guy, mind me. He is not a good boyfriend, but a good friend. Not the friend who would be beside you all the time, but the kind to cheer you up when you're down. ^^
By: Gtxl

Oh ya, I gave up on him because, he got a new girlfriend(in less than one week, mind you, how heart-breaking it is!). If not, I think, I would continue my one-sided love. ha-ha. Devoted, stupid, ME! ^^v!

Another.... Day....

2008-03-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

NOT EVEN A SINGLE SMS NOR CALL.
"There was no other choice. We could only break up."
I WILL NEVER EVER BE HELD IN HIS WARM ARMS AGAIN.
I WANT TO SEE HIM. I LOVE HIM.
MY HEART WAS SHATTERED INTO PIECES.
Takara chose another woman over you. Then why... Why do you still continue protecting him?
----------
Takara-kun became thiner.
He looks so tired, he must have been blaming himself.
He must have been! It's because of his good natured heart. Furthermore, he still has to choose between me and ami. The one that is most tired is most likely Takara-kun.
"I WON'T CRY ANYMORE!"
"I will work very hard to let my emotions settle down. So that next time we'll meet, I'll be able to smile and talk to him normally."
TO TELL HIM I'M REALLY ALRIGHT.
TO TELL HIM I WON'T BE DEPRESSED ANYMORE.
I WANT HIM TO KNOW I'M FINE. (Hikaru, said that, with tears in her eyes.)
-------------
Probably experiencing heartbreaks,can gradually make us more mature.
There will be a day, for sure, in which this heart wrenching pain will flow away altogether with the time all at once. Maybe there will be a day when I'll fall in love with a more wonderful guy than you. Even though I can't predict the future, i still can Strive for it...! I will be brave, raise my head high, walk with confidence, BRAVELY TOWARDS THE FUTURE.

Extracted in Moe Kare- Chapter 23.

Do you know i felt exactly like that. I cried, It was exactly what I fell. But I didn't cry at all for him, not for his sake. But for myself, my friends, my family. I didn't want them to worry. I didn't want to immerse myself in these emotions too much till I can't pull myself out. It was good right? I managed to help myself in the end.

My Immortal- Evanescence

2008-03-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Can you imagine? Me? Crying? Singing? From my soul? my heart?

The First Post In The New Year...

2008-03-07T06:52:00.001-08:00

I read this phrase in the fruits basket manga. Kagura(the boar) said, "I'm fighting the pain of a broken heart. But,I'm okay. Really, I'm okay. Thinking about someone isn't about reasoning. Thinking about various things in the head. Thinking "I LOVE YOU", thats not good anymore." She had just told Kyo everything that she felt all the while, he was in love with tohru honda already. It was so sad, My heart broke for her.

It was exactly what I feel right now. Sadness over the ending, but happiness over not losing a good friend. Perhaps it's the sadness nagging at me right now. The sadness that someone chose another person yet not you. It was as if you are not good enough, just not good enough. Now, I don't think that I love him, I force myself not to think about it. There's no point thinking about it anymore, It'll just make my heart be more broken. Tattered. Torn. That's all it'll do. He had moved on, moved on without me, with another girl. He said he had changed, I was like the big fat white laboratory rat that he was experimenting with. Now, I can't cry because of him anymore. It's as if that part of my heart died with him. I seem to feel that loving someone is tiring,straining,heart breaking,not worth it. I see many couples out there, with big,happy and blissful smiles on their face. I would think, is that really what they feel? I can imagine the ending so clearly etched in my mind.

The tears flowing down her face, the same tears that flowed down my face once,twice,thrice, the overwhelming amount of tears. It makes me drown, it suffocates me. The pain. Can you imagine it? For those who are in the stage of happiness, i'm happy for you. I hope you don't ever experience the pain I did. It was not just any simple pain because someone dumped you. I do not believe in someone loving me for as long as forever. It was for the effort put in, it was for the betrayal felt, it was for all the fake/broken promises, it was broken dreams, hopes dashed, it was not being cherished in the end. I was crying, thinking, laughing, crying, thinking, laughing. It was a cursed and vicious cycle.

I sang "My Immortal" by Evanescence in the bathroom, with tears rolling down since the news were broken.

She looked around with blank eyes. Eyes that were ice cold. Nothing was in it. Her nose was slightly red, her eyes swollen. What caused it? I was not sure. She looked fragile, a small girl lost, without direction. Where could she go? Who can she approach? Glimpses of pain was shown on her face, while she laughed, she cried.
Victims of relationships. The person bearing the pain. I felt it. It was finding no joy in what you do. I couldn't forget it. Even now, I can feel it, the remnants of the strong pain. *Sad laugh* I was right wasn't I? No one would love me, not forever. No more, no more relationships for me. I can't handle the pain in the end.

:) Now, I'm trying my best to move on. I don't cry for him anymore. My heart still bleeds for him. But I'll go on. My sad first love. Who said it was sweet?

Sickness.I hate you.

2007-12-11T03:37:00.000-08:00

I had fever for about ONE week, one week of being stuck at home, doing NOTHING. One week of staring at the 'pikachu' which gives me the same look and posture every single day. I have slept for two days straight, during the first few days when IT attacked me. Fever,fever, rise,drop,rise,drop. Water,water, more and more. EWww~ I had enough!

Anyway, I 'recovered' because my fever's gone BUT(the hateful BUT), I still suffer from the sore throat and blocked nose. Wretched Illness couldn't LEAVE me!! I went to ice-skate, under the permission of mummy(she was not very pleased about it.)

I pulled on the rental skates on my huge feet. Pull. Pull. Tug. Tug. "Yay, it's finally in! Now, how am I supposed to tie these shoe laces?" After the assistance of Li Jun, who has sufficient experience in ice-skating(unlike me), I managed to put in on. After all the locking of our stuff, I had to step out on the ice.

WOBBLE,WOBBLE. It was WEIRD! I was re-learning how to walk all over again, baby steps. One, Two, Three. NO, don't fall on me. CONCENTRATION! I felt the pull of strange muscles on my brows, I was frowning. I don't frown often, my name was not "Gladys" for nothing. Well, I am happy most of the time, frowning is ..... RARE. Anyway, I wobbled around like a fool on the ice. All my friends knew how to skate, It was only me, missing out all the fun. =(. Upsetting, but the truth. MY first time ice-skating.

I learned the skill of ice-skating, all thanks to Simon, Steph, Li Jun, Kai Yen. They helped along although I was walking like a chicken. It's hard to balance on that THING! The 'V' posture, one step by another and another, taught by Simon. Next, the gliding of that step to another and another. The wonder of learning it. The fun after learning it. =).It was worth it.^^. Sorry, Simon, I don't go on MSN often, =(. LOL, couldn't add you after such a long time. E.E

I skated with Steph, round and round. Falling down like a newborn on ice. Haha. I love falling down all of sudden, especially with my friends. Making them fall down, trying to wrestle on ice. AHhh, all the screams before we fell. HaHa, so funny. I had fun, a lot of fun! After that, we still went to watch 'Golden Compass'. Not very satisfactory thou. Expected more from that, haiz~ Disappointing.

BUT(the happy and special BUT), I grade that day, ONE of my best days of my life with my friends! Yes, there was a couple around us. SO SWEET! E.e. TOO SWEET! Holding hands, kissing! O.O! I got eye ulcer after that(Didn't know that I could have that!) LOL. ^^. About my story, I lazy to write more. =.=
Maybe I will post them here! When I have the time, ^^^^!

Hey people..

2007-11-25T05:39:00.000-08:00

Lol... Oh yeah.. I have came back to blog.. Anyway, I found this magnificent video, it kind of gave me a pat on the shoulder to tell me how blessed I am compared to some other families.. It's very short, that's why it's good.. It's about teenage depression, that sometimes makes them sucidal.. It kind of impacted me, very very touching.. I have come here to share with you this video.. Hope you enjoy it..

AND i'm starting on a story, kind of....

I started it before 'O's, but never managed to complete it.. It's in the beginning stages, yeah? Wanna make a vampire sort of story, paranormal stuff.. ^^.. I have already done my first chapter, going on with my second chapter, hopefully, i can 'interact' with the guy character.. AND write out how he feels.. ^^... I need more inspiration to continue, to make sure that it comes out right and proper.. Hopefully, my friend's could give me some comments, yeah? ^^.. Prom's coming.. I prepared everything, I guess.. Hope we all have a good time, It's our last time together right? Make's me kind of sad thou, although, I didn't like going to that school.. All the violent stuff, All the crappy stuff..But, yeah, it's still sad to leave you know.. To go to school and not meet them for recess, not see them to study together, not crap around with them, play with them(although a bit violent), kind of bring tears to my eyes..

All the friends I made there.. Geral, Sk, Stephy, Li jun, Yin Jie, Li Chuen, Brian, Camarine... These are more of the closer ones.. Even my classmates, Vivien, Su Min, Julene, Pearlyn, Rebecca, Joo Yu, Saradha( did i spell wrongly?), Sati... Friend's are made on the way.. My whole class made an impact on me.. Although i would sometimes feel irritated by the boys in class, I mean their IRRITATING.. but haiz~~ To leave the class and make new friends all over again.. I will kind of miss, the time we spent together yeah? Especially my mushie gang.. Dang, make me wanna cry.. Lol.. We will meet up again and have a fun time, ok? I don't want to meet up 5 years later to know that, Wow, you have this and that.. I want us to remain equally bonded.. With Sk's blur blur look, with Geral's famous frown, with Stephy's craze for guys.. Man, we won't get so caught up with our lives to forget each other, ok? I love you all, as my beloved friends.. Don't want to lose any one of you.. ^^! Don't want to get weepy.. Dang.. Lol...

Anyway, May we all keep in touch unlike my primary school mates..

I have succeeded!

2007-11-14T19:49:00.000-08:00

Wahahaha... I have finally pull out of my lazy shell and written a blog entry.. Wakakakaka! Isn't it great?!?

*Tries to regain my sanity* Ok, Hi people.. I went for a job yesterday, it didn't end up as well as i thought thou.. It was kind of a failure, only sold one ticket? Lol, after that, no energy to approach people le.. I very old le!! I was just standing around like a idiot after that, my back hurts, eye pain.. Man, my whole body was hurting.. The day before yesterday, I was swimming in the evening you see, so after that, whole body aching.. E.E!

I went swimming with my sister, Lol.. So funny, she swim until very *xin ku*(Chinese), see her out of breath.. I kept swimming to and fro, cause my sis don't want to swim in the deep pool, lack of confidence i guess.. plus she also feel uncomfortable there.. We went to the jacuzzi to play around with two other people in it.. I guess, they were looking at us strangely, Don't ask me why... **shrugs.. Maybe it's the way we were talking? Oh well, who cares..

Anyway, back to the point, the thing was hitting on my back, then i lost grip on the side of the swimming pool.. lol.. I was floating away, like a piece of log.. Lol, the best part was I cant reach for the ground, then struggle struggle.. Lol, luckily i only struggled awhile before, "landing" back on the ground in the pool.. Wakakaka.. Ok, I'm going nuts man.. 'O' levels are over!! Cant help but rejoice, hope I can do better in the job thou..

I have to open my mouth man, too tired yesterday, not a morning person!! *sobs sobs* ^^.. On Saturday, have to work alone lo.. Geral going for some funny band thing, Sobs, they all abandon me.. I'm so poor thing.. :(

Okie, post finish le, too lazy to further on my lada lada speech, anyway, the new audition design was much cooler than before.. Haven't we been waiting for this auditioners? They even have a new mode..^^.. At least, not so boring le.. wakakaka.. Ok, I can go on forever like that.. Bye, people!! See ya, next time!! Oh ya, still got the prom, Haiz~ Troublesome nia.. E.e..

By:Gtxl

HehexxXX...

2007-10-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

Hihiz, I have finished my English papers and E-maths paper 1.. Whoots.. Another thousand and one more papers to go!! How exciting ehh?!? During my English composition, I didn't have much inspiration!! I was lazying around, dragging the introduction a little, describing the surroundings here and there.. Am I going to fail because of that!! Oh My God, please don't let that happen!! NEVER!! I will sincerely pray for God's blessing to be upon me!!
Yupp.. Someone complained that my blog does not have paragraphing..ZzzZZ... I lazy mah.. Cannot arh? :( I paragraph for you to see, ok? Happy now? ^^
Tomorrow is my E-maths paper 2, wish me good luck!!
You enjoyed the song didn't you??? Aww~~ Me too.. hehehex!

Signs off,
gTxL_gTxL

Hey, im back!^^

2007-10-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

Hihiz, Yupp... I'm back to blog.. Lol.. It's been a long time, Do you know my 'O' levels are ongoing already?!? Lol.. I finished my Additional Mathematics Paper 1 & 2, Chemistry Paper 2.. ^^.. I still have one thousand and one more papers to go.. Wheee~~ Lol.. And im here blogging.. I think I can't be immersed in books all the time.. I don't see the point of it.. Lol..^^
Anyway, I'm here to dedicate a song to my best... Guy.... Hope he'll feel better... We must do our best ok?!? Concentrate hard, and never ever give up! I'm behind you always, be happy forever..
I'm gonna play a song by Utada Hikaru, Flavour(Flavor)of life!
Hope you'll enjoy it.. Yes, it's in japanese.. Not any other weird lanuage but Japanese..^^

By: Gtxl(Keep in touch!)

I am very upset..

2007-09-19T04:53:00.000-07:00

You know what? My English got such a lousy grade, I cannot believe it... At that moment, I wanted to break down and cry, not just cry.. But sob and tear the paper away.. I am terribly upset.. I want to go JC.. It's not only my aspiration but, my sis also goes to a JC.. How can I not?? I dont like to make my mum upset, I want to meet her expectations.. Why aren't I smart enough?? I am not going to dwell in self-pity anymore.. I don't have the time.. It's either now or never.. I regretted ok.. I regretted for not studying my best.. the full 100%, full maximum power.. I should have.. Then I would not be here, crying and making my eyes swollen, I know the phrase "No use crying over spilled milk".. I managed not to cry all the way home, bombarding myself with positive phrases, encouraging myself not to give up.. Now, after I talked to my mum about my results, I cried.. Not because I didn't go to JC, but because I made my mum worry over me.. I don't like it, I don't want to.. I have always tried not to make them worry about me.. I must boost up my courage and determination.. It's hell month from now on.. Good bye to E-books, storybooks, temptations.. Begone.. I would concentrate, please pray for me to pull through this ok? I need it badly, very badly, I'm not gonna give up.. never..

The most jilted lover of all...

2007-07-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

Hihiz people,
It's a long time since I came on my blog to talk a few things... Hmmm... Do you know who is the most jilted lover of all people? It's Jesus... At first I was stunned, How Could It Be? He is the creater of the world, human beings and every single living being on this Earth.. How Can It Be? Are you kidding me? But I realised(after hearing the preacher on Sunday), that NO... He is the most jilted lover on Earth. When there are billions of people being created by his own hands, how many percent ever had quiet time with him? How long has he been waiting for me to talk to him and listen to what he has to say? Aren't we all so selfish?
He has been waiting selflessly for us to return back to him... Yet, here I am still trying to catch up with the pace of life... What about Jesus? Hasn't he died on the cross for us? Sacrificed and nailed on the cross for us? What have I been doing? Don't I want to spent eternity with him? I dont't want to just spend my life in emptiness and loneliness for the rest of my life.. I want God to be part of my life.. I don't want to be alone anymore... I love Jesus and am grateful for whatever he has done for me... I still have to do my English homework that has been due long ago... But I realised it is not all about LIFE and the GREAT THINGS that is important... I realised it's the GREAT GOD in heaven that must be placed at top priority. Without God, I as a human being can't do anything. I have spend time writing this short blog, hoping if someone would read this.. Readers would snap out of their "busy" life that occupies their mind,body.. and realise that we should start "wasting time"(in worldly terms) for God.. I am going back to do my homework, but I am going to make a commitment, to do my Time Alone With God after this...
Do you ever knew that someone is waiting for you? Do you even know that? I hope that people would be grateful with what they have instead of complaining and grumbling and swearing about things around them.. Are we not blissful enough? God is always watching over us, May God bless you and me and all the readers out there(if there is any). =D
By:GtxL on 31July2007, 9:24p.m. (Mood: Stressed but happy)

DIsCaRded?!?

2007-03-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, i feel that as i go along in my life.. I wanna be busy doing something, i wanna have a dream job and i wanna really have a goal in life.. but it seems that i have none... i dont know.. i wanna have something in my life.. that interests me, i don want to stay at home and slack any longer.. i wanna do something to impact my life.. i don want it to be a boring cycle again and again.. it's really what i wish.. Can i find something that will interests me? It seems that everyone got their own things to do except me! I dont want to be left out, i dont want to bother other ppl anymore! REALLY! i dont want... I want to be independent, doing my own stuff that interests me.. Everyone have their dream job, the right place that they think they want to go.. but i dont!! WHY?!? i want to have something to dream of, i wanna be someone in future.. i really wish to! I would definately pursue my dream and dont let anyone stop me.. But why i dont have? Can anyone give me suggestions to what i can to in future??

....

2007-01-29T04:13:00.000-08:00

Now, what i really feel is shit... My friend's grand dad died.. Yeah.. she asked me to go there, u know the funeral but i didnt go.. I guess it was after my church, i felt kindda tired and i didnt feel like going out as usual.. so yeah... she feel like saying **** to me.. lol.. guess i deserved it huh.. i feel miserable..

i think...

2006-11-26T00:39:00.000-08:00

I think it's really nice to get accepted into someone's group. As in, when that group goes out, your invited. When they go out and eat together, they will ask you along. You know that sort of thing. I think the only group that invites me is only my own group of friends... When i am with my group of friends, i will try to make sure not one gets left out.. We'll talk and have lots of fun.. But when i am in other people's group, i act differently.. I dont really act the way that i do.. I am quiet... I will just stay at a side and look.. and look... I dont give much comments, it is always kind of awkward when i am with other people.. I think its really fun if i can hang out like others do.. The feeling of being welcomed is always nice, I hope one day i will be... but i am too quiet, like he said:"I am anti-social."... I hate to agree with that, but that is kind of true... My nature is usually very wild, the kind that is like a time bomb.. U dont know what to expect of me, i am weird.. I would just laugh out loud like no one's business when i am happy, i cant control it you see.. I would go crazy sometimes, and just act stupid.. I would be very violent, beating people up when they say the things that offends me or acting in a way that totally irritates me off.. I would be silent with people that are not close to me.. I would smile and give polite talk and that's it.. But i know it's just plainly not me to keep silent.. I like to express myself in a way that i like it but sometimes in the eyes of other people that i am not close to, i just shut myself in.. I am embarrassed, you see... I am afraid that when people see me in my crazy mode, they'll obviously think i am crazy and stay away from me... But after awhile of spending time with me, my true self would be exposed.. and u know... i will start the crazy mode thingy.. hahaz.. I hope one day, i can really just get welcomed for who i am... then i wont need to hide myself again.. I dont like hiding, i like expressing.. and making people laugh... but then... i am kind of afraid what people would think of me... I hope i would be welcomed into your group... But then, if a stranger dares to talk bad about me or tries to backstab me or the even WORSE*hurt the people i love and care about*, i dont give a damn about you, i will search and hunt you down and make sure you feel the same exact pain you did to my loved ones... AND when i get my hands on you,I will get my REVENGE on you... as i say, i am not someone you would like to provoke... =).. thats it for now...

Byez, people...

:)

2006-11-19T04:42:00.000-08:00

Hmm... what should i write here?? Let me see... hmm... now i am hearing a song called Sa Rang Hae Yo, it's by JJ.. It's quite nice, what i like about the song is actually the lyrics. It's quite interesting. It goes like ...(Sa Rang Hae Yo*this is the korean word*, means i love you, 代表著我離不開你,每分每秒每一個聲音...etc.etc.)
This is really meaningful.. Dont you think so?? It's really sweet.. Haha.. I think he forgot about bringing me out lehz.. hmm.. dont know leh.. I hope not.. Wish for the best ba.. Byez.. U wanna the full lyrics? ;)

Sa Rang Hae Yo- JJ

站在寂寞的舞台上
燈光下拖著自己的影子
音樂重複我們共同的憂傷

不是每一次的演唱
就可以淡忘明天沒有你
In my heart we’ll never be apart

殘留手上的香味提醒我
在數位相機裡留下的承諾
每一封簡訊傳出的思念都對你說

sa rang hae yo
means "I love you"
代表著我離不開你
每分每秒每一個聲音
只有你撒嬌會讓我微笑

sa rang hae yo 只對你說
I will love you, and forevermore
我答應, baby you will see
每一個我都屬於你 ...

Ahh... so sweet.. haha..

A curse no one ever wants...

2006-10-26T05:05:00.000-07:00

Do you know how is it like to curse the people close to you? Do you know how heart broken i am? How much my heart hurts? Is it just it? The End? Yeah, i think so.

2006-10-13T00:53:00.000-07:00

Every one time, he calls me sis. My heart pain. Not only pain. Mt whole chest spreads with the pain. It spreads all over my body and it does not stop. It's not that i hate being it but because i wanna be someone else, that same person. That’s why he gave me that paper, haha. i thought maybe i was still the status i had in his heart. Looks like i am wrong, I was too foolish.

I wish....

2006-10-09T00:51:00.000-07:00

I wish upon every star i know, the God in heaven, my lord. I wish that he would talk to me like before. Jus like when he was very happy, like a kid, like the one i used to know. I even wish he speak to me like he speaks to his sister. At least with feelings: angry, happy, anything. Not hiding all up like a ball. I have to dig and dig and dig for it, i really tried my best this time, i want to make everyone in this world happy. Is it ever possible?? i wanna do that badly, especially that one. He speaks with such sadness, my heart breaks listening to it, or with no emotion. I feel desperate to let him regain back his own soul. What had happened to make this person? i dont know.

haiz~

2006-09-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

i totally hate myself. Cant i be more independent? Always the weak one.. i really cant stand myself sometimes. you think the whole world own you? NO... i should be standing on my two feet, ppl dont want to accompany me... nevermind lah... go and do something else lor.. what's the problem with me? Damn. i guess i just want accompany. people to accompany me when im down and sad, people who would care about me and be there 24/7. but you know what? There are no such people in the world. so stop dreaming. haha. its alright i guess. everyone has their own free will. let them to their stuff and leave them alone dude. yeah, agreed. i love it when i go to the beach, the breeze is so nice and refreshing. so nice.. ahh... i wish i could go back to the times....

bye

2006-09-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

Well I don't know what to say. I guess I will just go to my pathetic library again. Since I cant find anything interesting at home and I hate to stay at home now. Because my grandma will keep nagging at me and I hate to get nagged at. It just pisses me off man. So here I am lonely and upset going to library since he does not want to go out and I don’t want to stay at home. Man. Life sucks!

Today, i keep crying....

2006-06-13T04:27:00.000-07:00

Hihiz,
Today a lot has happened... I heard that Colddbreaker cried in the morning because of the councillor camp thingy.. I was not feeling good about it, I dont like any of my friends to cry.. I cant believe that any one would make my strong headed good friend cry... How could they do this to her? I wont let that happen... Man, I feel damn weak for not stopping them.. What's wrong with them? Why did they do this to her? Make her feel so pressured... I dont know why they did that... I totally hate politics.. It so totally sucks, it just pisses me off...
I will be there for all my friends, I dont like anyone to betray people.. It gets onto my nerves.. When I just feel of her helplessness, I also feel 'Why did this happen?'... With no one to help her and even her best friend to not help her also.. I dont feel that as right, She is my friend & I dont care whether she did it correctly or worngly..Or anything... I will be there for you..Dude, I will not let you be alone there..No matter what I will stand beside you...I will not betray you for something else or someone else..You wont be alone...ok.. You know, I totally hate crying... But I always cry when I am having very strong feelings.. When I am furious with someone, when I am really heart broken...When I am too happy about something, I would get really emotional and start crying... And apparently... This made me very emotional, and I am crying like a baby now.. man.. I hate crying.. I so LOVE both of you.. haha.. Plus sk,ileane and other of my friends and family.. I love all of you and I will try to be by your side.. Dont get discouraged!! Know that i will be behind your backs!
I managed to borrow the movie 'Underworld', all about vamps and werewolves.. WoW.. Wonderful effects and the evolution was like 'WoW'... That was so cOoL.. hehex.. I wish for the whole world to be really happy.. and no more Quarrels.. and hurting!!

Quiz Timez!

2006-05-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

You Are Crimson Red

Down to earth and warm-hearted, you instantly make everyone feel at ease around you.And while you have an understated passion - you lack the uncontrolled passion of most other reds.You prefer to sit back and enjoy every situation life has to offer. You put an optimistic spin on everything.And even when things are going well, you don't get too amped up. You prefer to keep your emotions as steady as possible.

What Color Red Are You?

Wahaha... CRIMSON red.... wow~~ so weird...

Oh ya...

2006-05-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Hihiz,
Me got napfa test yesterday, it totally sucks... I cant believe that my standing broad jump failed!! Im so pissed off, means i need to retry the whole shity thing all over again... All the rest of my stations get 'A' leh..except for shuttle run and standing broad jump... Shuttle run get a 'B' only... Standing broad jump get 'E'... thats why i feel pissed! Very Pissed! that totally sucks big-time!! My the rest pass!! i 1 more cm then will pass alrdy!! 1more!!! I want to get a 'C' for all... so i can at least get a 'A' for my napfa.. means GOLD!! I got silver the other time.. so aim for gold this time...I feel so lousy... wahz~~~~~ hahaz... nvm.. I try again!!

Oh, here's my luck...

2006-05-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

Your Luck Quotient: 41%

You have an average luck quotient.There's been times when you've been extremely lucky... but also times when you've been very unlucky.You probably know that you can make your own luck in life, if you're open to it.So listen to your intuition as much as you can. It's right more often than you might expect.

How Lucky Are You?

My luck not that good... haha.. only 41% lehz... so not fun... should be erm.... at least a 50% mahz... me unlucky... wawawa.... hahaz.. today was not a very good day 4 me man... hahaz.. My mum and popo fight in the morning/afternoon over a PLANT... haiz~ sianz~ a plant of all things?! haiz~ sianz~ nothing big becum something big... what is happening to adults? Their worse than children sometimes... hahaz~

friend's improvement...

2006-05-11T07:04:00.000-07:00

"the skin will be torn apart by the sharp edge of the sharp dagger; its intricate designs stained with life's blood. the flesh will be cut; and the pain so excruciating, so tormentful that one cries out in helpless pain, begging for it to stop. yet stop it musn't, for the punishment must be served and the promise delivered. and so the cutting and the staining continues." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Coldbreaker helpfully supplied this from me for improvement, isst nice improvement? Her eng is just too good to be true... thx coldbreaker! To reply to the unknown comment, i already cool down.. wahaha.. but i still think that what all i said are true... haha.. sorry to scare you... Usually I not that vulgar one, but angry that time.. haha.. i dont really like to say vulgarities, wahaha~ BUT will use it when the situations change... hahaz.. so i say, "do not offend me, if not I make sure you will not survive through the night. Beware of your every step, I make just throw a dagger straight into your beloved head. Quick and easy, simple and fast, MY STYLE."... Wahaha... i very kind one lahz... If you dont step my tail and disturb me, me will treat you kindly 1!

Quiz

2006-05-11T07:02:00.000-07:00

Your Hidden Talent

You have the power to persuade and influence others.You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

Wahaha... ability to persuade? look too highly on me liao... leadership qualities?? Impossible...

I'm a bitch...

2006-05-05T02:47:00.000-07:00

I caused someone to fail his exam, i'm such a asshole, bitch, inconsiderate fool, i'm disgusted with myself..... REALLY DISGUSTED!!!!! I AM SUCH A DISGUSTING PERSON IT MAKES ME ONE TO PUKE, I AM A VERY BIG ASSHOLE... I AM SUCH A ASSHOLE, INCONSIDERATE FOOL, PURELY 100% MADE OF SHIT!!! JUS PURE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH.... I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF... I AM RUDE, UNSKILLED, COARSE IN MY WORDS, STUPID, MORONIC, IDIOTIC, SLOW, INCAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING... I AM DULL, INCAPABLE, PATHETIC AND SORE LOSER, A TOTAL ASS IN THE BRAIN, ONLY KNOW HOW TO SUCK MY THUMB, HIDE BEHIND PEOPLE, SCOLD BAD THINGS, VULGAR, SAY THINGS BEHIND PEOPLE'S BACK.... TO SUM UP EVERYTHING SINGLE THING A SHOULD DIE IN A HORRIBLE DEATH... ESPECIALLY HOW INCONSIDERATE I AM.... LET ME SPECIFIC THIS... I AM GOING TO HELP MY FRIEND AND SAY ALL KINDS OF BAD THINGS ABOUT ME, MY FRIEND'S TOO KIND TO SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT ME... LET ME START...
FIRSTLY, I SHOULD SLOWLY INSERT A SORT OF DRUG THAT WILL MAKE ME PARALYSED, THEN I WILL GIVE THE HONOR TO MY FRIEND TO SLOWLY DRAIN AWAY ALL MY BLOOD... MY FRIEND CAN WITNESS THE SLOW DEATH OF ME, THE DRAINING OF BLOOD FROM MY BODY... AT LEAST SOME JUSTICE CAN BE DONE... MY FRIEND CAN EITHER DO THAT OR LET ME WITNESS HIM CUTTING OFF MY FLESH SLOWLY AND ENDURE THE SLOW PAIN WHEN THE DRUG EFFECTS GOES OFF... MY FRIEND CAN SEE THE PURE PAIN TO EASE HIS PAIN...
NEXT, MY FRIEND WOULD DRAIN MY BLOOD, THEN CAN MAKE SURE MY FRIEND DO NOT NEED TO CLEAN UP THE BLOODY MESS.. THEN MY FRIEND CAN SLOW PEEL OFF THE LAYER OF MY SKIN, CUT IT INTO TINY STRIPES.. PUT THEM INTO THE FREEZER FIRST... THEN NEXT IS THE FLESH AND MUSCLES AND ALL THAT...
THRIDLY, REMOVE THE MUSCLES AND FLESH FROM MY BODY TEAR THEM FROM MY BONES... MINCE, GRIND, DEEP-FRY, ANY METHOD THAT MY FRIEND LIKES.. THEN DO CURRY A.K.A HUMAN CURRY WITH MY FLESH, MUSCLES AND SKIN...
FOURTHLY WHICH IS THE FINAL ONE IS TO TAKE THE REMAINDER WHICH IS MY BONES AND HEAD BONES... EYEBALLS CAN BE USED IN THE CURRY OR DISCARDED.... USE THE BONES TO GRIND AND MINCE THEM INTO FINE POWDER AND ADD INTO HUMAN CURRY A.K.A BONE, MUSCLE, FLESH, SKIN CURRY... TA-DA! IT'S FINISHED! I AM REALLY DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF, MY BEAHEAVIOUR AND EVERTHING ELSE ABOUT ME... ROT OFF AND DIE... IM AN ASS...

Today stress arhx...

2006-04-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

Hihiz,
Today everything kind of go beserk..I was lazying around at home and didnt have to mood to go out cause i wanted to be at home and do my homework... BUT then S.G. wanted to go orchard road and i did not want to.. So later she flip face with us then go herself.. Me and S.K. was like 'huh'... i alrdy so sianx.. she still flip face with us... then later scold us cause we don wanna go out wif her.. I JUS WANNA STAY AT HOME AND DO MY HOMEWORK!!is that really wrong... OMG... She got moody and stuff...
S.K. mother talk to her after awhile then later she like cooled down... I still don wanna go out to cwp to walk walk... Then S.K. and I talk on the phone wif des... Then des the mother took the phone and say 'des sleeping liaoz, don talk already, bye' Then no more.. Wahahaha~!Me and S.K. were laughing... He always sleep when we talking, hahaz.. Must be tired after np...hahaz~ Oh well, got to go... bye..

Yesterday at teletuby hill...

2006-04-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

Helloz,
I nearly spent the whole night yesterday at the teletuby hill... After sports day, me, coldbreaker and S.G. walked to the causeway point from the woodlands stadium... It was such a hot day and we were absorbing so much vitamin D from the sun... We went to buy the tickets to see ultra-violet, des said that he did not want to cum cuz i still needed to treat him.. Then i 'asked' him to come in a very nice and polite manner, he came and we bought the tickets behind..
I went to the library to borrow and return books while they eat at basement.. We bought bubble tea and 'smuggled' them into the theater, all thxs to des handy dandy bag and we rushed in as we were late for the show.. The show was so cool!! Violet was extraordinary!! I sat with S.G. *of course* and des sat with coldbreaker..

One Of my Previous post... Quite interesting 2 mi..Hehex..

2006-03-31T05:34:00.000-08:00

Hihiz,
Shit....i sccidentally deleted the over 1000words post i wanted to post just now... oh man...haiz...Guess i have to rewrite it all over again! Haiz~ Oh well, nevermind... I totally hate this year! It sucks a lot.... Let me explain to you in greater detail: Too much homework, too much projects*presentations*, too much school hours* frm 8.15a.m.-3.45p.m.*, too little sleep, too much burning of midnight oil, too much black eye bags, too much everything!! ArGh....Haiz~ So sad ritez... Haiz... I just published all my previous posts! YippY...
I really really miss the secondary two life i had, the "no need to do homework one, is next week pass up" phrase is all GONE! Of all things, that is gone THAT is gone...GONE is the word..haiz~ 'GREAT' life i'm having now...haiz~ STudents still wrote a petittion over the long school hours thingy you know... Desmond even wrote my name in but i did not ask him to put in lehz... haiyo...Never ask my permission...I miss the BBQ the most of all times!! During our December holiday last year, we had a BBQ in East Coast Park, it was so much fun for me...We went home about 11+ to 12+ p.m... At the first time it was kindda boring, i don know how to ride bicycle*failure*, so i just sit there and listen to my mp3 and read my story book lolx... But then after that, me, s.k., S.G., Z.Y. went to the beach for fun coz boring mahz... Then after that coldbreaker came along and she build her "water hole"...hahaz... it was fun...The wind was breezy, refreshing, and everything you cannot find in a city! You only can breathe polluted air in the city and see people smoke.... It gives me a " i'm free to do anything" feeling, it was peaceful at night...The waves splashed right to the top during the night, we played like crazy.. i never went to the beach and played so fun before...We picked sea shells too and played with the waves, we even screamed at the tops of our lungs after that.. Des also appeared, he and S.G. went to the deep water and S.G. screamed...hahaz... I did not take off my shoes, i regretted it, the water was cooling and refreshing... and i did not want sand to go in my shoes so i never take out..haiz~ I should, u know.... haiz~ Next time, i promise myself i shall go back there with Coldbreaker,S.G., s.k., des and if can Z.Y.....to EAST COAST BEACH!!
I luv it there, over there there is the peaceful and free feeling, over there you forget yr troubles and play with all of yr might... This "feeling" can never ever be found in the city where everyone is rushing to their own destinations, to their future....It is only found at beautiful landscapes and breathtaking nature structures...When i rmb of it, it just brings a smile on my face... Don you think so? Don you agree with me? If you think in the city there is, you're either 1. decieving yrself 2. you're an infant/baby 3. yr at least below an kindergarden or a small kid in pri sch 4. you're joking or.....5. you're not a human reading my blog...
Hahaz...I luv to read romance storybooks too... I like reading sherrilyn kenyon books* surely a must read book*, catherine coulter, elizabeth thorton, madeline hunter, christina skye* modern storys* and many more.....I luv sherrilyn kenyon books! Something/Someone is loitering in the dark, protecting you frm evil daimons, their dangerous and dark.....Their *drumroll please*.....DARK-HUNTERS!!! hahaz... they're tall, handsome, dashing, has supernatural powers and fights at very fast speed....hahaz...Must buy book! I read comic books also, Sharman King, Naruto, Inuyasha, Pretty Face, Bleach, and so much more i cant count properly...hahaz...Kind of a CRAZY girl rite... nothing better to do, but we llive life once rite? Don waste the chance, although i cant read finish everything i try my best... hahaz... Can think me as a bookworm, with thick thick specs and holding a book everywhere i go..NOOoooo... i'm not like that, mayb previously but not now, too busy with the "NICE" and "CONSIDERATE" school's homework and CCA...haiz...Oh well, who ask me?? Choose the triple science class...hahaz.. want to go JC mahz... so bo pian...Jia You lolx!!
If you're called Madeline and reading this, thank you for the naruto cards you give me and good luck in yr studies... sorry i never join yr...:)

Oh man, i forgot my previous blog http...

2006-03-25T05:04:00.000-08:00

Hihiz everyone,

This is me... I'm gladys tan xue le... I being the very sotong type, lost the http of my other blog... 'sotong' ritez? Haiz~Zzzz Oh Well, nevermind... I will not forget this blog http then! Today i learn how to learn to ride a bicycle...

My 'di' left the bike at my house and fled away, you know... left me abandoned wif a poor bike and my friend promise to teach me... He say will teach me one lehz... Oh well... He's kind of a good guy since he bothered to lend me anyway.. I kind of get addicted to the song 'what dreams are made of' sung by hillary duff... Not really a big hillary duff fan but oh well... I know how to appreciate a nice song anyway.. I got to know it when i see the lizzie mcguire movie in disney channel, its nice anyway..
I went down wif ileane 2 ride the bike and then i sat on it..and tried... hahaz.. It wasnt that sucessful riding it anyway... Fell down a few times, the bike hit my butt few times and scratched my leg... Got black spots on my leg now.. Butt throbbing, but i guess it was worth it i guess! HahaZ~ :D... its fun to feel the breeze when you ride the bicycle thats why i wannae learn it!! The accomplishment of at least paddling a few times, is very satisfactory when you have bad balancing skills and retarded legs! Hahaz~ So happy... i must learn how to turn the bike now, and desmond is burdened to teach me that... He promised me 2 teach me so i will hold him responsible... Of course...
It ended up with lots of sweat but fun... I at least learned a little and plan to conquer the whole bike! Yeah~ May God bless me always... :D!