tHiS is mY lIfE!?!

OH MY GAWD!

2009-10-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.

I can totally say OMG for the whole day! =X Supposed to be studying right now... But you know what? I just checked out the latest Korean news, and guess what? BIG BANG's ALBUM is totally out... omo omo omo omo~~~~ It's a Japanese mini album, Let Me Hear Your Voice. omo omo omo~~~ I like it~ =X aha. Gonna have to listen to it the whole day I tell you. Gosh, so excited.

Hey there.

2009-08-07T06:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a long long time since I went onto Blogger. Lols. And tried to blog. To summarise my life up till now, It's been pretty screwed up and I realised I regretted alot of my actions too. And yada, yada...

Anyway, I came to blog only shortly. Just to speak out my worse worries in my mind now. My studies, I have been feeling pressure from all over. Especially from myself and my parents. Haiz~ I am always afraid and I always feel that I am not good enough. It's really tough, I really hope I can pull through it. If I don't, I guess I have to go to work? Or maybe re-take it. Man, I am really afraid.

On a positive note, National Day is coming! Just 2 more days. Whoo hoo, long weekend. Finally. Lols. I have been waiting for this weekend, to rest myself and do some revision. Dang, I cant slack. Cant afford to. And, my birthday is coming. Sadly, I don't wish for it to come. Hmm, ask me why? Cause, I don't want to be take note of that day and 'remember' it. You see, when no one celebrates it for you, I will feel kind of sad. It's a special day right? Your birthday, something that happens only once a year. I don't want to feel sad, so I don't want it to come. LOLS. I think simple. =D Sometimes, I really do hate my birthday. Argh.

Sometimes, I do think whether my existence is good or not. But I guess, one shouldn't ponder about such questions too often. If not, I think I will not be here anymore, typing on my sis lappy. LOLS. And, I have to say this! Why does all the people around me be smarter than me? And they all have to SAY, I think I'll jump lor. =.=
Come on, I think I am facing more pressure than anyone else. And I am afraid I really cannot take it. LOLS. I will really jump. Like real, I don't have the guts to do it. I am scared of pain!!

I wish and pray to God, please give me the strength to endure the whole journey. And bless me with your strength when I am weak. I will be eternally grateful for all the things God has done for me. =D He is the one that is always there for me. Amen. =D

=)

2009-04-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

HEY! Yo everybody~ I today very very very sad. Keep crying non-stop. LOL. Cant stop somemore. So so so ps.... =S

I dedicate this post to my hubby(XY)!! =D Thanks XY for consoling me. =D It worked, lol. Improving le worr~~~

You kind of provide your support in a quiet manner which 'touched' me and I could feel it. =D thanks darling~ You rock! =X lol~

Dont let ppl blow into your ear okay!! I will box them for you! I love you lots~

today.

2008-12-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

I am very happy now! =DDDD

I really feel like I am in love again. LOL. The happiness lah. Today he called me. Although it's at night. He kind of told me what is troubling him. *laughs* And I felt happy, he approached me. Like a small little kid. =.='''

LOL! But the sad thing is, I am not supposed to be happy. I mean like, haiz. Already no hope le. Why still happy over this kind of small thing? Correct or not? You think he won't approach other people meh?

Me: But at least he approach me leh! And tell me! =DDD
Other Me: You want to get hurt again arh? stupid girl. He already say le! He call you is cause he headache. You only get used by him again lah! You damn dumb leh. Can you just wake up from those nonsense? He just needs a person to talk to. Doesn't mean it has to be you.
Me: =( You just crushed all my hopes again. You very mean. He bothered to call me leh, finally! Then you have to be like that. =( I very long never talk to him le leh. Call him, scared disturb him. Sms him, scared distract him. So many things.
Other Me: I have to! crush all your hopes! If not, what am i for? You didn't realise meh? He everytime call you is just for your help de. He call you only ask your help! You think he still like you arh? PUH-LEASE! You think you what? Princess? Rich? Royalty? please lah! Can you please look in the mirror? You are just plain old Gladys. You don't have anything that he will like lah. please lor. Now you still think he will call you back arh? AHA! You dream lor!
Me: But he told me, he will call me back. ='( We talking about gundam until so fun. Then he suddenly say he will call me back later. Although I a bit sad, but he say he will de.
Other Me: =.=''' please lor. You really think he will arh? So many things promised also not done. You think this time he 'SAY' only, will do meh? haiz.

Don't do this to yourself again can? LOL.

Sorry. Really Sorry. :'(

This was occurring in my head. And after that I was really depressed.

me.

2008-12-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know whether I am getting better. But I know I am definitely better than last time when i first received the news everyone! lol. Are your happy? After all the grueling nonsense. Haiz~ =DD happy right?

But the problem is, I don't know whether I am really happy. I know I still love u-know-who. I know it, there's no point avoiding it. And I can still feel it. The foolish smile on my face when I know he's okay and he's happy. The warming of my heart when he is still healthy and having fun. I still feel that as clear as the day. Although I don't really keep in contact with him now. I still do feel. I don't know why, don't ask me why. haiz.

Yes, I am healing. I am happy. But it seems that I managed to convince myself that I am forever happy. Argh. I don't know, Do you understand me? I don't know how to express this well. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad regarding that manner. It's like I am numb. U know, like I am a robot? I manage to completely deceive myself. I can't cry! I am afraid, why can't I cry?

ARGH.

ARGH.

I realised that on teacher's day when i cried when our classmates asked. I thought I was happy! I really thought that and everything was fine. Except for my studies. EVERYTHING WAS FINE!! I thought I got over it. Then I cried. And I was shocked. They were shocked. And I just quickly wiped my tears, hoping he won't see it. And smiled. just like that.

What's happening?? I am lost.

lonely.

2008-12-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like crying at night. And today I did. I succeeded. I was thinking and I cried. It was not much. The hurt wasn't strong anymore. It has ebbed to a itsy bitsy pain in the corner. Those untouched memories I couldn't forget just yet.

Is that supposed to be happy news? I don't think so. I want to cry out loud. really loud. From the bottom of my heart. Where is it? Please come back... Free me from this disease. I am cold. Too cold.

A hug? Anyone? Please help me.

Birthday.

2008-08-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

My birthday passed long time ago. It was one of my saddest birthday in my whole life. LOL. exaggerating? think again. On the starting of my birthday, was scratching myself cause of a mosquito bite. I realised that "hey, why is there some sort watery substance on my fingers?". O.o BLOOD. a-ha-ha. One great way to wish yrself happy birthday. And i sang Happy Birthday to myself as an encouragement. Yes, I know, its pathetic.

Well, so as not to start off with a depressing note, des sms-ed me a happy birthday. ^^ happy. At least one person remembered and wished me happy birthday at exactly 12am. lol. That is extreme sweet of him, at least, i know someone cared. He celebrated my birthday before that, was really fun. He treated me a lot of yummy stuff, was super duper delicious and nice. ^^v YaY for des.

Then comes the horrible birthday. I went to school, studied like usual during lesson. I got a chemistry test on my birthday till 7pm. It was really 'fun' studying hard before my birthday. Well, my choir friend(dear) also wished me happy birthday. lol, i also very happy. My other choir friend also saw me and remembered to wish me too.(I think cause her birthday is one day after mine) lol. Was the starting of a nice day right? sounds nice.

My classmates(can be considered good friends) did not wish me happy birthday. Well, even my lao gong didn't until I told her I was very sad on my birthday. Haiz, and I had to tell her then she wished me. lol. Then i already quite sad. Cause among the mushies, only steph wished me happy birthday. The rest didn't. but well, I guess that was the hardest blow. lol.

Okay, I think, the worse was the part where the mushies go out together without me on my birthday. Yes, I know, I only have to blame for my test on that day. But yeah, I was quite sad I can't go out with them to enjoy the day I was born. So I eventually ended my birthday with a whole lot of crying and emo-ing. Lol. fun? I know, I can predict that next year would be even more so. ^^

Very nice picture.

2008-07-23T05:25:00.000-07:00

This picture is taken by me. ^^. I was in the car while I took it. It was unexpectedly good man. hehex. ^^. Very artistic. I like it. ^^v
It was taken on a Sunday while I was on my way to church.. Whoo hoo. The more I look at it, the more I like it. ha.ha.
By: Gtxl

Phew.

2008-07-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, I am feeling so down. I even talk to myself when I am doing my homework now. And I do it sooooo SLoWlYY.... Geral, man, I didnt mean to make you feel left out okay?
I wasn't very considerate in that, I agree. But I do want you to go out with us k? Your my best friend along with all my mushies k. Haiz, I have been emo-ing for so long. Now, my exams add the stupid stress. Yes, that day I saw geral. And I was apparently thinking of my exam results and whether I will get promoted. I actually got scolded real bad, I was blaming myself for the bad results and I got another stab by my mum. And I couldn't stop crying after she scolded me(she was exceptionally fierce to me for the first time in my life). I think it was due to me, keep watching movies and going out often. Haiz. I am pressuring myself a lot. I need to.
I feel really not like myself. Unlike my secondary school days, I feel the laughter produced are not real anymore. I dont feel happy at all, with my life, with my relationships around. I really feel that way. I need tuition, I need study, I need friends.
I was talking about meeting geral right? I actually thought of that time, she wanted to confront des and we had a mini-quarrel. Then I cried, yes, I cried again. Cause I kind of wanted to just cry and hug her like that time and spill everything out. LOL. But I obviously cant. Firstly, I was near the Admiralty MRT. Secondly, There was a hell lot of people there watching me(cause a few tears kind of popped out of my eye sockets). Thirdly, I didn't want to let my friend worry about me. Fourthly, I promised myself I would be strong. LOL. So much things.
It was the first time in my whole life, I actually got scolded that badly by my mum. I actually felt traumatized after that. LOL. I hid behind the mattress and cried(my cousin couldn't find me at first). LOL. My mum was fierce. really fierce. I was sad. really sad. haha.
Yesterday, I had bouts of emo syndrome again. Apparently, I thought of u-know-who. I know that we can never be "close", even though, I try really hard sometimes. *sad smile* I also felt slight self-pity towards myself.(shouldn't go into detail, if not it will occupy half of this) U know, as usual. I was also extremely tired. I had a headache cause of lack of sleep(have it now also) and I was worried of leaving him alone to emo. So I kind of 'forced' myself to stay awake and was hitting my head vigorously so that it wouldn't hurt so much. Lol. ^^
Today, I played volleyball. I actually felt that the second move we learned today was interesting. First time in my whole life. The teacher actually said that I had potential. LOL. Cause we had to hold the ball up with only our finger pads, couldn't let it touch my palms. ^^. I was happy. lol. I need to really work hard!! I wanted to call one of my friends and 'cry on their shoulders'... lol. Then i stopped myself, I need to be strong. haiz. okay. Need to go off now. HOMEWORK IS AWAITING FOR ME!!!

My thoughts

2008-07-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hmm... Hi people, Everyone, I am doing fine... If any one of my buddies are reading this, I just want to tell all of you, I am fine. :)
I don't want anyone of your to worry about me okay? I am actually more than fine. Lol, I am very happy... If I got anything, I will solve it myself. Don't worry about me,k? :)
I have been a 'strong' girl all the while right? This kind of thing, can't push me down. ^^. I hope I can be stronger. You can leave everything to me, your got any problems can come and find me too. I don't mind.
I do not want anyone to worry about me. ^^ Have I emphasized my point well enough?? :) I really do not want anyone to be worried about me, that's why. Some people express their concern for each other discreetly. Some people express their concern for other people openly. For me, I like to express my concern openly, for the person to know. I just want to tell you, I am concerned about you. But it seems like, We are drifting more and more apart. You do not want to burden me, so do I. Lol, we are such weird creatures, eh?
Hopefully, I still can be considered a 'good' friend. I do wish that I can still be there for you. But you do not really seem that you want me there thou. Although you got problems, you can't approach me. So now, I want to tell you, I'm alright. I can deal with this myself, even if I die on my way, IT'S ALRIGHT! Lol... I'm really serious.
1. Guard what goes into your heart
2. Guard what you speak.
2 points I learned during the Prison Break sermon that impacted me. Today, It's about Greed and discontent. I feel like sometimes I do feel like that, the comparison between me and someone else. I am guilty. For that, I am sorry to God.
People, treasure what you have, before it's gone. ^^

ha.ha.

2008-07-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

As long as he continues smiling, his foolish grin and happy lopsided smile. I will be satisfied. Even if I'm in pain or I'm hurt, as long as you're smiling in the end. I will bear with it, I will pull through someday. hopefully, slowly but gradually. :) Will you be genuinely happy? Do you still need me there? I want to be by your side. I want to be the one to be there for you. But you dont seem to care whether I am there or not. Your nonchalant answers tell me exactly that. What am I supposed to think about that? I guess, It's nothing. I am happy you say you care for me as a friend. Really happy. But will you realize I am not there if I disappear from you? I really wonder sometimes, Lol. :)
If I were to die, I wonder who would really cry for me in this Earth. Really missing my presence that will never be there again. Or perhaps someone, watching my back? Hmm, I think that wont happen. Someone who really loves me? I dont think so. I really wish to have someone like that, but I dont have the X factor for people to love me. I can accept that. Although, yes, it may be saddening but I am sure I'll get over it. :)
Short post, I'm feeling really weird. Lol.

tired.

2008-07-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

I feel tired. I really dont know what to do. There's so many things that I'm so tired of. Can the world be crashing down on me or something? I feel like breaking down and cry but its no use. So here I am. It's been a long time since I'm typing here.
In his eyes, Im really nothing. I feel like im a burden to people around me. It's just so weird. I have been depending on my friends, family. It's time for me to take it all back. And not make people worry. Everything, back to myself. Like last time, thats what I have been doing for like most of my life, just because im dumped and cant really let go of it. Thats why I relied on them. I feel like it's time to take it all back. Retreat to my own zone.
Yes, it may be hard at first, i may be unused to it. but I've got no choice. In order to not let people worry about you, is to not let anyone know. A smile, a wave. And everything is like before again.
For him, I dont know anymore. I dont want to avoid this problem. But I cant solve it straight away. So I choose to ignore. I am alone in this. No one can help me, No one can heal me. It's all up to me.
Nowadays, I am beginning to feel nothing. Maybe it's because my sis is away, I dont really need to talk to my parents and friends. I beginning to feel it coming back to me. So I choose not to feel anything. What I do also have no use, what's the point man? Lol. I realized that I like to use lol, to cover up my sadness sometimes. Lol. Hmm, I am a really weird person. I was thinking if I laughed maybe I wouldn't be so sad. Lol, now it sounds kind of foolish when I read. haha. :)
It's alright. For this problem, I am alone. No one can let me forget my love. and no one can make it fade away right away. I got to face it. Although loving him is painful sometimes, I would try my best to stand strong I guess. Lol. I have no choice in this anyway. I feel like I dont really exist in his world, only when he needs help then he would find me. But actually, I feel fine about it, I would be happy helping him. But it's the after that, when I am not really needed, then I feel a bit hurt lah. It's just that I am quite sensitive. Lol.
I dont want him to sound like a bad guy, and he is not a complete ass or stuff. He is a really nice guy. just that I got this weird face and stuff, that isnt appealing to him. Lol. Dont worry, he is very nice to other people(includes boys and girls). He is helpful and tries his best to make people happy. Yes, he does that to me to. For that, I thank him. ^^ For a lot things, I also must thank him. Lol. He also did a lot for me in our relationship previously. I dont want your to make him guilty over my hurt and stuff. It's not his fault. It's my problem. Lol. I got a problem with myself. I know he doesn't love me already, he has his ex-gf to think about. Lol, where got time for me? He will just feel guilty and stuff. He tried to help me forget him too. But I think his method wasn't very good and it kind of back-fired. And make me feel a bit sad. But it's alright. His intention wasn't bad. He was trying to help. I dont want him to always feel guilty over me. If not, all he remembers about me is guilt, guilt and more guilt. And it would make me feel even worse, cause I only want him to be happy. Nothing more. ^^v Remain happy guys. Just one sad person is more than enough. ^^

Hihiz...

2008-06-08T02:37:00.000-07:00

I have decided on something. Yes, I decided. All I need now is determination and strength to pull myself through. People, your no need to worry about me. I have to do this myself. Only I can help myself. I have to force myself. It's decided.

I cant take it anymore.

2008-06-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

就让我彻底的伤,再彻底的醒过来. F.I.R song, in this song there is this lyrics. Something I remind myself time and time again. Please, dont let me go back into that miserable hole. I don't even feel like saying what he said to me. It's just too much. I know, he's friend died. I just dont know. Some kind of game? Why do you always say things half-way? He said I shouldn't know so much things cause it is good for me and he should know all the things. What kind of screwed up logic is that? Then he said he shouldn't have talked to me about this story, I said, then you must well say, you shouldn't have known me at all? He said yeah. That's it. The End. I'm serious, it's more than enough already. I cant take it anymore. I tried to help, damn it. I even still love him, that's why I wanna help. And. I dont know. I feel like crying. It doesn't feel good. :'(
Well, to him, I am so sorry you have known me. I am so sorry that you want to know me, if you have told me earlier, I would have avoided you like the plague. I am so very sorry. ha.ha. so sorry.
Well, I know that I am not cute, not photogenic (like what my cousin always emphasize on). It's true, It's obvious. I am neither pretty nor gorgeous. I make disgusting and weird sounds when I laugh(don't know whether you consider it laughter). My face looks really round when I smile, One thing no one likes. For all my life, only one guy confess to me before and he wanted to forget about it so badly, he lost his memories.(I think this is kind of the saddest thing.lol.) I am pitying myself now, no wonder guys wont like me.ha.ha. I behave and sit like a guy, haiz~(trying to kick that habit) not feminine at all, How you want some guy to like me? Unless they want to be gay or something? lol, actually, I dont really find it funny, just trying to lessen the blow. It actually hurts. No wonder the guy I loved so much left me behind without considering much. It's quite upsetting to know the truth thou,I am always lacking and just not enough. His first love and last, he will always remember. Who wont? Who cares about in betweens? I understand why he left me now. Too clearly actually. too clearly.

Ello people.

2008-05-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

I feel really weird right now. I have thousand and one homework left to do. And yet, here I am blogging away. I met with my friends on last Sunday, we watched movies and yeah... Nice movies... But I hoped that we could talk you know. Talk about our lives, too bad sk not there with us.. =( Des sent me this song,"最近" It's a really moving song, you know. Makes me think of well, you know. I have loved and lost, tried my very best. I still wanted to be friends with him. He is different form before, he has lost his memories. At least the memories that he wants to forget, like selective memory loss like what steph has said. It's just unfair, why does he get to forget? And I can't forget? I am so very tired to deal with this problem already, It's like wanting to just give up and tell him to go and do what he wants? I don't really care anymore? You can rot and die for all I care. How much energy, time and mental thinking I have used, just to think about his problems and the problems he have given me. Haiz~
How much more do you want from me, boy? I wanted to just give up on you and your senseless problems but I had to care. The reason being, I am your friend. I promise myself that I will be beside my friends no matter what happens in the future. That's why, I am still beside you right at this moment. If there's a problem, approach me, I can help. How many times I have cried for you? It's extremely tiring especially when the person do not care about you. I think, a simple "Sorry" or a simple "Thank You", would have greatly satisfied me. But nope, I don't hear anything like that, He takes me for granted, that is definitely true. I wonder if one day, when I am gone, would he even realise I am actually gone? This is the thing perhaps that bothers me. In my opinion, I don't think he would notice the difference. Maybe a slight disruption from his daily life, but other then that. I don't think he will stop and think of the things I have done for him. *sighs* Well, I have done my very best right? I always tried to be the best gf and the best friend for him. It doesn't really matter to him, It's just taken for granted I guess. One day, when I look back, I would only remember him as the person who is a guy I loved deeply, a unrequited love. I think this is the first guy in my whole life I have loved the most and full heartedly. Of course, It's my first love. I think, I should have chosen a better first love, don't you think so?
That time, I was talking to steph late at night. I became emo. And cried badly again. It's because of that particular person again. I don't know how to approach him anymore. It's as if he is a stranger once again. Not the des I once knew. I couldn't communicate with him that well as before. I have lost a good friend, that was the feeling. I also felt really tired of everything. School, choir(CCA), homework, after everything. There is an additional stress, Friend. Well, him okay. lol.
Hmm, it's time for my homework, thou it's super late at night now. It's going to reach 12pm alrdy. I am so TIRED! of everything. Good night to those good folks around~!

Dear friends.

2008-05-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

I feel pain again. I read his blog. Yup. I cried. once again. Like what I felt towards him, but he doesn't love me anymore. He loves another girl, ha-ha. It's kind of painful, like this dull ache in yr chest that never goes away. You wanna read his blog? He really really loves this other girl you know. He loves her so much more than me, of course. He doesn't love me. Haizzz~ www.watashiwadesmonddesu.blogspot.com

Go ahead, take a look sympathize with him and what do u think I will feel? I still love him u know. I can't think of loving him anymore. it's no use.

The quiz

2008-04-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.

You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

WAHAHAHAha... N-I-C-E.. one... I think so too...

Have you ever - Brandy

2008-04-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

[ Chorus ]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words
to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[ Chorus ]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to
look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one
you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't
give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the
day when they will care
[ Chorus ]

What do I got to do to get you in my arms baby
What do I got to say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[ Chorus ]

Ha.ha. Nice ehh? The part where I dreamed about IT my whole life is WRONG. I didn't, It's the truth. But, damn. If I were to dream about IT my whole life, Won't it be worse? LOL. I thank GOD, I didn't. Another good song, to dedicate.

Regarding the "Tag, Your It."

2008-04-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

Geral, I now can't think of that yet.. I will postpone it till next post.. ^^

Now, I am confused... REally confused... I am in love? I am not? It still matters to me, you know... It matters alot to me... Whenever something is wrong with IT, I am worried... I cried, that time... When IT told me that IT was going through some problems and It was not willing to tell me.. I can see that IT doesn't even care of my feelings.. LOL. ha-ha. Haiz~ I just cried you know, cause no matter what IT do to me.. It's alright. But to IT's friends?? HOW DARE IT?!?! THAT THING, doesn't learn! I have learned, how to cherish, how to love... My friends, they are my precious... HOW COULD IT JUST SAY TO ABANDON THEM?!? I just broke down. IT said that if I were to ask IT about the question on a rather sensitive issue.. IT will, ignore me. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. Ha-ha. Man, deep inside I was hurting again. I admit it, okay. The pain haunted me again. Shyt, It sucks okay. I thought not ThaT again, even if I couldn't be a good gf, I good friend is all I can do to help IT right?

BUT NO! I'm WRONG! IT doesn't want anyone's help.. IT even wanted to ignore me for asking a question, "Are you ok?*regarding a sensitive issue*".. IT wanted to break our friendship, I thought our friendship was worth more. I'm wrong again. Once again. When will that pain subside and STOPP, once and for all... I don't think I can take it again. IT doesn't care whether I'm crying, laughing or whatsoever.. As long as, I can help I will. I'm foolish, I'm dumb. I want to cry now. But I don't have any energy. I thought of my friends, I promised to be strong. I thought of IT's friends, I feel sad, what a ungrateful IT. They were beside IT always, and that's what IT do to them? Like what IT did to me? I already forgived and forgot about what IT did to me. But IT's friends?

I feel anguish, my friends were beside me. all along. i love them like anything. and IT? IT didn't, did my talking to him ever go into IT's brain?? DID IT? I think not. I can't help anymore. I am of no use. IT won't listen, I can't stop IT from being the next D.S.. ha-ha. In the end, that's all I get for my love right? A spit in the face, a slap on my cheek. And now, I'm itching for another slap. LOL. Haven't I had enough? F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the 7 alphabets that matters so much for me, but so little for someone else. L.O.V.E, the 4 alphabets that matters even more for me last time, but even little for someone else. Then what can I expect from IT? Nothing. IT doesn't want me to be IT's friend or IT's important person. Ha-ha. That's why I gave up. Can't IT see that? That's why. IT said if IT were me, IT would continue pursuing the guy. But what's the point? TELL ME? I'm the only one trying to clap. What's the BLOODY point? TELL ME! My effort will be thrown back at me. I don't know anymore. That's why. Ha. That's why.

Why am I so foolish? I just need time, more time... Why am I talking of IT, and smiling like an idiot? IT doesn't even want to be related to me. IT said, stop asking, if not I won't want to be friends with you.(indirectly, but yeah. true.) IT doesn't want to be friends with anyone else. H.U.R.T, the same 4 alphabets I felt, every single day, but means so little for someone else. ha-ha. Now, I'm gonna be sick again. Established my "night club" meetings since this monday. From, 12pm to 1am. Damn.

I am listening to my previous songs again. Listen to it, depicts my feelings. Ha-HA.

How could you?

2008-04-02T03:43:00.000-07:00

April Fool's Day just ended. That was a memorable day. Ha-ha. At least in the past, for now, it only proves to be a sad memory. I looked back, saw the many good times together with him. I will always keep it in my heart, never to lose it. It will bring tears to my eyes, rolling down as my crushed dreams. I have given up hope, I am not willing to indulge in the feeling 'LOVE' anymore. It doesn't exist, it's an attempt to break your heart, make you feel depressed. Last year, I was happy, like chirping bird in the morning sky. Now, I am not. U ask me why?
I answer, love lasts not forever, for a short while. At least, in my case. It's like that. *laughs sadly* I have loved full heartedly, but it's not cherished. It only shows that you shouldn't trust the guy with your heart. Get it girls? In a relationship, someone sacrifice, someone receive. It takes two hands to clap, I'm frantically trying to clap on one side. The other side refuses to try. Thus, it ended. "Feelings" are weird creatures, they come quickly, and goes quickly. I can say that he was taking it seriously, not in my opinion. =) There goes everything I put in. This shows that if you were to choose a boyfriend, please choose one, who takes you seriously. AND he loves you so much, he can't live without you. He would think of you first and help you. Please don't love the guy so much(like what stupid me did) and devote everything you have to the guy. He would take it for granted and break it! Lol. Not that he is a bad guy, mind me. He is not a good boyfriend, but a good friend. Not the friend who would be beside you all the time, but the kind to cheer you up when you're down. ^^
By: Gtxl

Oh ya, I gave up on him because, he got a new girlfriend(in less than one week, mind you, how heart-breaking it is!). If not, I think, I would continue my one-sided love. ha-ha. Devoted, stupid, ME! ^^v!

Another.... Day....

2008-03-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

NOT EVEN A SINGLE SMS NOR CALL.
"There was no other choice. We could only break up."
I WILL NEVER EVER BE HELD IN HIS WARM ARMS AGAIN.
I WANT TO SEE HIM. I LOVE HIM.
MY HEART WAS SHATTERED INTO PIECES.
Takara chose another woman over you. Then why... Why do you still continue protecting him?
----------
Takara-kun became thiner.
He looks so tired, he must have been blaming himself.
He must have been! It's because of his good natured heart. Furthermore, he still has to choose between me and ami. The one that is most tired is most likely Takara-kun.
"I WON'T CRY ANYMORE!"
"I will work very hard to let my emotions settle down. So that next time we'll meet, I'll be able to smile and talk to him normally."
TO TELL HIM I'M REALLY ALRIGHT.
TO TELL HIM I WON'T BE DEPRESSED ANYMORE.
I WANT HIM TO KNOW I'M FINE. (Hikaru, said that, with tears in her eyes.)
-------------
Probably experiencing heartbreaks,can gradually make us more mature.
There will be a day, for sure, in which this heart wrenching pain will flow away altogether with the time all at once. Maybe there will be a day when I'll fall in love with a more wonderful guy than you. Even though I can't predict the future, i still can Strive for it...! I will be brave, raise my head high, walk with confidence, BRAVELY TOWARDS THE FUTURE.

Extracted in Moe Kare- Chapter 23.

Do you know i felt exactly like that. I cried, It was exactly what I fell. But I didn't cry at all for him, not for his sake. But for myself, my friends, my family. I didn't want them to worry. I didn't want to immerse myself in these emotions too much till I can't pull myself out. It was good right? I managed to help myself in the end.

My Immortal- Evanescence

2008-03-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Can you imagine? Me? Crying? Singing? From my soul? my heart?

The First Post In The New Year...

2008-03-07T06:52:00.001-08:00

I read this phrase in the fruits basket manga. Kagura(the boar) said, "I'm fighting the pain of a broken heart. But,I'm okay. Really, I'm okay. Thinking about someone isn't about reasoning. Thinking about various things in the head. Thinking "I LOVE YOU", thats not good anymore." She had just told Kyo everything that she felt all the while, he was in love with tohru honda already. It was so sad, My heart broke for her.

It was exactly what I feel right now. Sadness over the ending, but happiness over not losing a good friend. Perhaps it's the sadness nagging at me right now. The sadness that someone chose another person yet not you. It was as if you are not good enough, just not good enough. Now, I don't think that I love him, I force myself not to think about it. There's no point thinking about it anymore, It'll just make my heart be more broken. Tattered. Torn. That's all it'll do. He had moved on, moved on without me, with another girl. He said he had changed, I was like the big fat white laboratory rat that he was experimenting with. Now, I can't cry because of him anymore. It's as if that part of my heart died with him. I seem to feel that loving someone is tiring,straining,heart breaking,not worth it. I see many couples out there, with big,happy and blissful smiles on their face. I would think, is that really what they feel? I can imagine the ending so clearly etched in my mind.

The tears flowing down her face, the same tears that flowed down my face once,twice,thrice, the overwhelming amount of tears. It makes me drown, it suffocates me. The pain. Can you imagine it? For those who are in the stage of happiness, i'm happy for you. I hope you don't ever experience the pain I did. It was not just any simple pain because someone dumped you. I do not believe in someone loving me for as long as forever. It was for the effort put in, it was for the betrayal felt, it was for all the fake/broken promises, it was broken dreams, hopes dashed, it was not being cherished in the end. I was crying, thinking, laughing, crying, thinking, laughing. It was a cursed and vicious cycle.

I sang "My Immortal" by Evanescence in the bathroom, with tears rolling down since the news were broken.

She looked around with blank eyes. Eyes that were ice cold. Nothing was in it. Her nose was slightly red, her eyes swollen. What caused it? I was not sure. She looked fragile, a small girl lost, without direction. Where could she go? Who can she approach? Glimpses of pain was shown on her face, while she laughed, she cried.
Victims of relationships. The person bearing the pain. I felt it. It was finding no joy in what you do. I couldn't forget it. Even now, I can feel it, the remnants of the strong pain. *Sad laugh* I was right wasn't I? No one would love me, not forever. No more, no more relationships for me. I can't handle the pain in the end.

:) Now, I'm trying my best to move on. I don't cry for him anymore. My heart still bleeds for him. But I'll go on. My sad first love. Who said it was sweet?

Sickness.I hate you.

2007-12-11T03:37:00.000-08:00

I had fever for about ONE week, one week of being stuck at home, doing NOTHING. One week of staring at the 'pikachu' which gives me the same look and posture every single day. I have slept for two days straight, during the first few days when IT attacked me. Fever,fever, rise,drop,rise,drop. Water,water, more and more. EWww~ I had enough!

Anyway, I 'recovered' because my fever's gone BUT(the hateful BUT), I still suffer from the sore throat and blocked nose. Wretched Illness couldn't LEAVE me!! I went to ice-skate, under the permission of mummy(she was not very pleased about it.)

I pulled on the rental skates on my huge feet. Pull. Pull. Tug. Tug. "Yay, it's finally in! Now, how am I supposed to tie these shoe laces?" After the assistance of Li Jun, who has sufficient experience in ice-skating(unlike me), I managed to put in on. After all the locking of our stuff, I had to step out on the ice.

WOBBLE,WOBBLE. It was WEIRD! I was re-learning how to walk all over again, baby steps. One, Two, Three. NO, don't fall on me. CONCENTRATION! I felt the pull of strange muscles on my brows, I was frowning. I don't frown often, my name was not "Gladys" for nothing. Well, I am happy most of the time, frowning is ..... RARE. Anyway, I wobbled around like a fool on the ice. All my friends knew how to skate, It was only me, missing out all the fun. =(. Upsetting, but the truth. MY first time ice-skating.

I learned the skill of ice-skating, all thanks to Simon, Steph, Li Jun, Kai Yen. They helped along although I was walking like a chicken. It's hard to balance on that THING! The 'V' posture, one step by another and another, taught by Simon. Next, the gliding of that step to another and another. The wonder of learning it. The fun after learning it. =).It was worth it.^^. Sorry, Simon, I don't go on MSN often, =(. LOL, couldn't add you after such a long time. E.E

I skated with Steph, round and round. Falling down like a newborn on ice. Haha. I love falling down all of sudden, especially with my friends. Making them fall down, trying to wrestle on ice. AHhh, all the screams before we fell. HaHa, so funny. I had fun, a lot of fun! After that, we still went to watch 'Golden Compass'. Not very satisfactory thou. Expected more from that, haiz~ Disappointing.

BUT(the happy and special BUT), I grade that day, ONE of my best days of my life with my friends! Yes, there was a couple around us. SO SWEET! E.e. TOO SWEET! Holding hands, kissing! O.O! I got eye ulcer after that(Didn't know that I could have that!) LOL. ^^. About my story, I lazy to write more. =.=
Maybe I will post them here! When I have the time, ^^^^!

Hey people..

2007-11-25T05:39:00.000-08:00

Lol... Oh yeah.. I have came back to blog.. Anyway, I found this magnificent video, it kind of gave me a pat on the shoulder to tell me how blessed I am compared to some other families.. It's very short, that's why it's good.. It's about teenage depression, that sometimes makes them sucidal.. It kind of impacted me, very very touching.. I have come here to share with you this video.. Hope you enjoy it..

AND i'm starting on a story, kind of....

I started it before 'O's, but never managed to complete it.. It's in the beginning stages, yeah? Wanna make a vampire sort of story, paranormal stuff.. ^^.. I have already done my first chapter, going on with my second chapter, hopefully, i can 'interact' with the guy character.. AND write out how he feels.. ^^... I need more inspiration to continue, to make sure that it comes out right and proper.. Hopefully, my friend's could give me some comments, yeah? ^^.. Prom's coming.. I prepared everything, I guess.. Hope we all have a good time, It's our last time together right? Make's me kind of sad thou, although, I didn't like going to that school.. All the violent stuff, All the crappy stuff..But, yeah, it's still sad to leave you know.. To go to school and not meet them for recess, not see them to study together, not crap around with them, play with them(although a bit violent), kind of bring tears to my eyes..

All the friends I made there.. Geral, Sk, Stephy, Li jun, Yin Jie, Li Chuen, Brian, Camarine... These are more of the closer ones.. Even my classmates, Vivien, Su Min, Julene, Pearlyn, Rebecca, Joo Yu, Saradha( did i spell wrongly?), Sati... Friend's are made on the way.. My whole class made an impact on me.. Although i would sometimes feel irritated by the boys in class, I mean their IRRITATING.. but haiz~~ To leave the class and make new friends all over again.. I will kind of miss, the time we spent together yeah? Especially my mushie gang.. Dang, make me wanna cry.. Lol.. We will meet up again and have a fun time, ok? I don't want to meet up 5 years later to know that, Wow, you have this and that.. I want us to remain equally bonded.. With Sk's blur blur look, with Geral's famous frown, with Stephy's craze for guys.. Man, we won't get so caught up with our lives to forget each other, ok? I love you all, as my beloved friends.. Don't want to lose any one of you.. ^^! Don't want to get weepy.. Dang.. Lol...

Anyway, May we all keep in touch unlike my primary school mates..